


Wishful Thinking

by EuleVix



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Blood, Depression, Dreams, Lots of random non essential people, Lucid Dreaming, Other, Reader is genderless, References to Genocide Route, Romance, Self-Harm, Slow To Update, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2018-05-26 21:27:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 26,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6256540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EuleVix/pseuds/EuleVix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You love Undertale. Its the most amazing game that you have had the chance to play in your life. But as much as you love it you love one of the characters, Sans, more. Its never happened before, you loving a character in a game. But its happened, and you can't change that. However, at least the new nightly dreams of Sans have been helping with your feelings; you just sometimes wished they didn't feel so real.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 3:33 am

**Author's Note:**

> It's 5am where I am and I wrote this. It's not something I will honestly but doing full tilt like my story Reformation, but it is a short project I wanted to start and see if I could complete and publish in about 5 or so chapters. Edit: i /did/ want smut in this but honestly the story did not want to go that way >_< was on a year+ hiatus and when inspiration hit it didn’t make sense to have that put in. Maybe I can still make it work? Maybe it’s something that could become a thing still, but we’ll see :3 I just wanted smut because I love writing it. It xD yeah
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like it! Please also know this is the Prequel to Reformation which I have also started writing again :)

You couldn’t sleep again, it wasn’t something that happened often but you knew the trend when it came. Each day it was something different, on some days you were okay but on most it was just a battle to keep yourself smiling. Tonight it was your loneliness that was eating your soul and you knew that this night was coming. It had been a week now that this cycle of longing, happiness, and guilt would make its rounds in your head.

 

You stared at your computer screen at the main focus of your plight. It wasn’t his fault, and it honestly wasn’t anyone’s; not even your own. You didn’t chose who you feel in love with and for that matter no one did. But why on this great big plant did it have to be _him_? Never before had you feel in love with a fictional character. You cared for many, enjoyed the stories and adventures of so many. You were well known in your circle of online friends as a holder of a vast Armada of ships and the Captains of each so vast and interchangeable it could make heads spin. You had some rules and guidelines for who you shipped, but they were fictional characters; people that would never exist or be anything close to tangible. Their lives didn’t matter because they had none.

 

So why _him_? Why was it after so many years of gaming, anime, tv shows, books, podcasts, and even youtube videos that he was the one you not only thought was an amazing character but you were legitimately head over heels for.

 

You pushed your computer forward on your desk so that you could lay your head across your arms in hopes the fleshy pillows would help bring you comfort and possible allow sleep. You still couldn’t though, your mind to actively cursing Toby Fox for ever have creating the game you came to adore so much. You wanted to let it all be just another piece of media that you adored and cherished; something that would fade into obscurity when the next new thing came along. But you loved the characters, the music, the story, and that damned skeleton in that fucking blue parka.

 

Tears started to trickle down your face as you could feel the emptiness in your heart swell in an invisible gripping pain. It was stupid, all of this was dumb and stupid and you shouldn’t be having romantic feelings for a two dimensional skeleton character. You shouldn’t be crying because of it and you most certainly should be so desperately wishing that he could be any kind of real in some format. But you were, and some more optimistic part in your head was trying to tell you that it was okay to feel like this and that anything you loved was far from stupid. However, you were always too encapsulated in your own dark well of sorrow to hear the words.

 

You figured, with your track record of romance and your knowledge of your emotional fights, this was to be expected. Maybe not the whole ‘falling in love with a character in a video game’ thing; but at least the emptiness you could feel pulsing in your chest was. You wanted to have love and romance in your life, but things were always out of your reach. Every time you found someone that you were willing to give your heart to, you were met with words of friendship. It wasn’t all bad, the friends you had gained once moving past your feelings were people you would never want to lose. But it didn’t change the hurt and it didn’t fix the loneliness. You felt a little horrible for it, but it was a pattern your mind couldn’t let go of and hadn’t for maybe the past year now. It didn’t matter what the relationship was, it was always that you loved them, and they just cared about you as a friend. Even the one you spent 5 years with; it all still stung.

 

You were sobbing now, pulling your arms around you as tightly as you could, scolding yourself for feeling this way. You can’t change other people, and you didn’t want to. No, what you wanted to change was yourself. You wanted to stop feeling, to stop hurting as you had your whole life. If it wasn’t romance today it would be about family tomorrow, and then friends, and then your looks. It was a never ending list that looped on itself, a crinkled old parchment old from time and warn from your hands from scrolling down it endlessly. You didn’t want just more of the days you could ignore the list, put it down for once and tend to your blooded and warn hands healing the old scars for good. No, you wanted to stop the emotions completely; to stop the pain and rip the list to shreds.

 

There wasn’t a way to do that though and so instead you were left in tears and occasionally sleepless nights.

 

You cried until your body felt numb and the pain couldn’t get worse. You hoped that you had finally hit the bottom of your feelings so that maybe your over active and tortured mind would finally be able to go to bed. You lifted your head to gaze at the picture on the screen. It was your favorite picture, one that you secretly treasured but kept from anyone else’s sight. It was a beautiful piece of art and it would always make you smile no matter your mood even if the smile was so tiny only you knew it was there. Even tonight, even after all of the feelings that were suffocating you, it still made the corners of your lips curl and twitch.

 

“Sans…what am I going to do…” Half of you said to the character on the screen, the other half knowing it was to no one else but yourself.

 

You buried your face back into your arms, trying not to think of the skeleton in the blue parka. Of bad puns and fart jokes; and especially toothy smiles. The music playing on your computer was the ‘Home’ soundtrack of the Undertale OST, the entire album having been mixed in with all your current music. You focused on the music and the tones, letting yourself get lost in the feeling the music brought you as a few more tears fell from your eyes.

 

Eventually, somehow, you fell asleep.

 

[+]-[+]-[+]

**You woke up in snow, it was cold and your body was shivering. You were wearing a cost though you didn’t remember putting it on. You pulled yourself from out of the white frozen fluff, dusting it from off of your body where you could. Once you were done dusting yourself off you took a look around and analyzed yourself. You were in some kind of evergreen forest in the middle of some large cleared pathway. Above you was a vast grey ceiling, unmarked save for a few stalagmites and distant enough that you could not tell how far it was above you.**

**You tried to remember how you got there and you could remember nothing. You itemized your body, you could feel the things around you sort of. You knew it was cold but you couldn’t truly _feel_ that it was cold. You already knew it was all the proof you needed for your mind to quickly assume you were dreaming. You pushed the knowledge off quickly so that you could let the dream take you where it wanted to instead of you controlling it.**

**There was a noise behind you, someone calling out to you in a low voice that felt slightly familiar. You turned around, finding a skeleton in a blue parka standing behind you.**

**“Sans?”**

**“ do I know you?”**

**“No, I don’t believe so. But I know you! Its so good to see you, Sans!” Your heart was bursting and all you wanted to do was wrap your arms around him and never let go; so you did. You moved towards him, picking him up in a giant hug and pressing him as close as you could to yourself. You knew you were crying, you didn’t feel it but you knew that tears were falling down your face.**

**“ h-hey, buddy! i’m all for bone crushing hugs but I kind of need to breath!”**

**“Oh, sorry!” You let him go, taking a step back and wiping the tears from your face.**

**“ so…what brings you here? I didn’t think the underground was due for any new humans coming to town quite yet. ” Sans raised an eyebrow as his gaze traveled up and down your body; seeming to size you up. You realized you were in the outskirts of Snowdin and that it would make sense for Sans to be weary of you since Frisk was the only human that was supposed to be down there an alive.**

**“Oh, well I’m not sure. I just kind of woke up here outside of Snowdin.”**

**“ uh-hu …” You could tell his smile was waning, what little trust he might have had in you quickly diminishing.**

**“Sans, I promise that is the truth! I wish I could tell you otherwise and make you believe me.” It was the truth, and you could feel a distant tightness growing in your chest. You hoped that he would believe you. Besides, with what you knew of Sans he would probably leave you alone unless you went looking for trouble anyway.**

**“ well, as long as you don’t go causing any trouble, I suppose it doesn’t really matter. ” He shrugged his shoulders and closed both of his eyes. “either way, stay outta trouble for me, will ya? I’ve got a door I need to go watch.”**

**He turned away from you and started to walk away. So you followed, because that was what you wanted to do. It wasn’t often that you had dreams like these with characters you loved; and this was even more true for Sans’s case.**

**“ uh… ” He turned slightly towards you when he heard you footsteps following him. “is there something else I can help you with?”**

**“No, I just wanted to follow you.” His eyes traveled about you again trying to piece you and your motives together.**

**“ and why is that?” You shrugged in response, a wide grin on your face.**

**“I’ve always wanted to spend time with you, so why not? I hope that is okay?” He was quiet for a long time. You watched him, a slight nervousness building in you. It was easy to hold back because it felt distant like everything else; it was a dream afterall.**

**“ sure.” He finally said, nodding for you to follow him. “why not. i've got nothing better to do.”**

**You jumped into the air, happy that Sans was willing to let you tag along; even if you had been planning to do it anyway. You quickly wrapped your arms around his shoulders, a large goofy grin on your face.**

**“Thank you, Sans! I promise you wont regret it!”**

[+]-[+]-[+]

 

You woke up stiff and sore, your face dry and crusted from the tears you has shed earlier. Even though you could still feel the hands of your sadness gripping you tightly, you were at least a little bit happier. As you pulled yourself out of your chair, looking towards your bedroom window to see the early hints of dawn peeking through, you were once again glad for your ability to lucid dream. Even if you found it kind of interesting that as a child of four you had bad enough night terrors that you were forced to learn how; it was still a skill you never regretted having.

 

You mulled over the dream in your mind again and again, hoping that if you did you would never forget it so you could keep it like a treasure. Sure there were a few things you wished were a little different, but no dream was ever perfect right? You wished it had been longer, or that maybe you hadn’t been so forward. If you had _really_ been talking to Sans you probably wouldn’t have said half of what you did or do any of the hugs you gave the pour confused skeleton. Though you prided yourself in being a very honest person you were still not as open as your dream self. But you figured that it was probably due to that disconnected feeling you had in your dreams. The things that normally caused you anxiety and depression far and unreachable while you slept.

 

You stretched and walked over to your bed, laying down hoping that you might be able to catch at least another hour of sleep before you would have to get up in the morning.


	2. Fresh Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You woke up with tears in your eyes and a sharp stinging sensation in your hand. The moment you realized your hand hurt, more than it should for phantom pains, you threw off your covers and examined your hand. There, still stained with a little bit of blood was the exact same bandages that Sans had wrapped your hand in.
> 
> You stared, shaking as you watched your hand. This was literally impossible. There was no way that you had stabbed yourself in a dream and it followed you into the waking world. This was reality, not some show or game, and in reality things like this don’t happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****** Warning: There is some blood and violence in this chapter, though its very very little. ******
> 
> Thank you everyone who's been so patient waiting for the second chapter! I know its slow to update but trust me, as I have done here I promise it will be updated of course when I can. I still thank you all for being to patient!
> 
> **Please note I have not edited this chapter. I will maybe tomorrow, I am not sure, but I more wanted to get this posted than anything else.**
> 
>  
> 
> As I mentioned in Reformation, I wanted to post this chapter today as a dedication.
> 
> Two years ago I lost a very dearly beloved pet and companion. If there is such things as a "Soulmate Pet" I had found mine and then lost him two years ago. I miss him dearly and today is the second year anniversary of his death. I could go into a lot of stuff but that's not what I wanted to talk about.
> 
> More than anything, today above all, I hope that each one of you give the people in your life a big hug and make sure they know how much they mean to you in your life. Live everyday without regrets if you can and above all don't overlook the love in your life; no matter how small.
> 
> With that, I dedicate this chapter to all those important in out lives and who love us and accept us as we are.
> 
> Thank you to all who took the time to read this and I appreciate it more than I could really express.
> 
>  
> 
> Now, I hope that you all enjoy the story and look forward to when I get the chance to post the third chapter!
> 
> **EDITS: Fixed the issue with the unremoved mentions of a previous scene! :)**

You only had an hour before your alarm went off. You lifted yourself from the bed, your head swimming from the lack of sleep and restless feelings that your lucid dreaming brought. You groaned, placing your hands to your face. You were far from wanting to or being able to actively function, so mentally you made a list of the things you could remember that you needed to do. First you needed to feed the cats, then shower, get dressed, and if you had time you could eat. You never really had time to eat, always having to cut it close or your own mind always trying to talk you out of it, but it was something you still would try to accomplish if possible.

 

Today though was probably going to be a non-food-consumption day with how you felt. The small amount of sleep was okay enough for now, but you knew that in a few hours your mind would be too tired to keep up with the looming monster in the back of your head. You could already feel it about your body, like shadows staying just out of your vision. It wasn't abnormal, you knew it well. You knew that it would hang and sloth about out of your reach and when you were not expecting it or too weak to fight, it would strike.

 

You ended up finishing all that was on your list quicker than normal, leaving you with a good 10 minutes before you had to head out the door. The only good voice in your head chimed in telling you to eat as you felt your stomach rumble. Food was necessary to keep your body moving and functioning. The reasonable voice reminded you that you would probably feel better if you ate something in addition to filling your bodily needs.

 

You pulled open the fridge, staring at its contents. There wasn't much, some old Chinese leftovers and a soup you had made a couple of days ago. All of it you knew would normally be tasty no matter how it was served, but just the thought of eating the food brought a odd queasiness to your guts. In the end, you grabbed a bottle of water and left the rest of the fridge alone following the directions of your stomach.

 

You left, locking the door behind you heading to your car. It didn't take long for you to be on the road and going to work. You lived fairly close to work, which was better than your last job with a full hour's worth of travel. You put on some music, a mixed playlist of various rock songs and video game music. You decided to pick a song today, instead of letting it just play through from the last song.

 

You wanted to feel like it was okay for you to belong somewhere. You never really 'belonged' anywhere in your life since for some reason you had always been the most odd of any grouping. You were the weirdo, the stranger, the last one picked. It was a fate that you knew and were okay with, but on days like these it was all you wanted. You flipped to a song from Undertale, a music box melody of the opening; it pulled a feeling forth every time of home and comfort. It made you think of the characters there, a sad smile crossing your face.

 

You knew, better than anyone, that it didn't matter how much you wished and dreamed of it; Undertale was a game and that was all it was. None of the characters could be real, it was a work of fiction and it didn't matter how much your soul yearned it wouldn't make it true. You had seen many friends who would pretend and delude themselves to the point they seemed deranged; you didn't want to be like that. You wanted to be rooted in reality since you figured you were already strange enough, but it didn't change your feelings and your secret wants.

 

You wanted them to be real. This feeling in you that maybe, just maybe, you wouldn't be so strange any longer. That you would have found a place where you can be yourself and it wasn't the most odd thing someone had ever heard. A place where you didn't have to be the windup monkey performing for everyone. Where, you didn't have to feel bad for just being you. As much as you wanted that place to exist it wasn't going to. All it did was bring more pain to you at the idea of it just being another thing to remind you of all your wishes.

 

You let the music wash over you, letting yourself be lost in the feeling, pretending that you were somewhere warm and loved. You noticed the wetness on your cheeks as tears fell silently, but you ignored them. You didn't want to give your attention to your depression, right now you wanted to forget it and just be okay.

 

It was after a few more songs that you got to work, clocked in, and did your best to hold yourself together. It was a call center, not anything special or spectacular. It wasn't sales or dealing with 'end customers', it was just data entry and occasional client calls. It paid decently giving you enough to take care of the bills for your small one bedroom apartment and that was all that mattered to you, even if the work was dull and lifeless.

 

Work dragged on, the time seeming to move slow and the volume of work piled up. You completed five cases and when you looked at the clock it only fifteen minutes had passed. Though you were glad you were getting a lot of work done it didn't change that you already wanted to just be home and finally get some rest.

 

Eventually you made it through the day, the cases were done, all your calls had been made, and now it was time for you to go home back to your empty apartment. You drove, drowning your mind and emotions again with music. It was all you could do to keep yourself glued together long enough to at least get inside.

 

You parked, locked the car, and soon found yourself going through your front door. Your cats were mewing about your feet trying to get outside as they pushed against your legs.

 

 

Once you were able to stop the two of them from leaving, you locked the door behind you and gave a heavy sigh. All you needed was to get into bed and you would be okay. You didn't need to think or do anything special, just leave your badge from work with your keys on the couch and shuffle into your room. That was all you needed to do, all that was required right now, and future you could worry about everything tomorrow.

 

Your stomach twisted in small pains over and over, reminding you that you still hadn't eaten that day. The most you had was maybe some apple juice from the vending machine at work, not a meal but something for your body to burn. You forced yourself to forget about it, it would again be tomorrow's problem. All you needed was sleep, and maybe if you could get a full nights rest you would be better.

 

You kicked off your shoes and pulled back your blankets, moving quickly to warp yourself in them. You placed your phone beside your bed, the small speakers still playing music from your playlist. Eventually, when your blanket became warm from your body heat and the music drowed out the voices in your head, you fell asleep.

 

[+]-[+]-[+]

 

**You were in snow again, this time you felt more present in your body and your vision was clearer. You could feel the snow melting beneath you, seeping into your clothes. You realized you were just wearing a t-shirt and jeans, the freezing temperatures causing you to shiver. Though everything felt more focused it was still distant. You could still feel the brash cold against your back as you stood up, but there was a dark wall between you and what it would normally feel like. You knew it was again another dream, and for a moment you questioned if it was the same dream again.**

**You finished pulling yourself out of the snow, brushing yourself off as best as you could, and looked behind you expecting to see Sans there. Instead, you found yourself at the farthest end of Snowdin with no one else around. You could feel your body's shivering get worse. Though you honestly felt that you could probably withstand more of the cold, you figured that it would still be a better idea to try and find somewhere warm. You knew, though you couldn't fully feel it, that freezing to death in your dreams wasn't a good idea. You headed towards the town, stopping at the door of the house you knew to belong to Papyrus and Sans. With cold fingers, you knocked at the door.**

**It didn't take long for it to be answered, the door swinging open to revel Sans.**

**" oh, um, can i help you?"**

**"Do you remember me, Sans?"**

**" that depends. are you the same human that hugged me from before? strangest greeting if you ask me."**

**"Yes!" You were pleased he remembered, happy that the dream would be more of a continuation than something of a repeat. "Yes, that's me! I am sorry about before, I hope it didn't upset you."**

**" don't worry, everyone likes hugs every now and then. but, uh, what is a human like you even doing here?" Sans was sure asking a lot of questions for him being apart of your dream. If it was going as you expected your many other dreams to go, you should have already been invited inside by now. Instead, you could feel your shivering getting worse.**

**"I'm not sure, but it is really cold out here. Would it be okay if we could talk inside? I don't have anywhere I can go." You knew it was a lie, there was a library literally next door; but why pass up an opportunity to spend more time with dream Sans?**

**" well, i'm not one to give anybody a _cold_ shoulder. but, only if you don't mind that i _chill_ out with you. " Your laughter came stuttered slightly with your shivering, but it lightened your heart to hear such puns from your favorite skeleton.**

**"Thanks, Sans. I'll try not to bother you too much so just let me snow when you want me to head out." Sans snorted as he moved out of the way, letting you into his home.**

**" well, who would have guessed the human knew had good taste in jokes." Sans said as he closed the door behind you. You let out a sigh at the feeling of warm wrapping itself around your body. It was wonderful to finally be out of the cold.**

**"Honestly I don't think I'm that pun-ny, but I can at least come up with a few." Sans laughed, the sound causing your heart to warm and swell in your chest. Even if it was a dream, it still made you feel good that you could make him laugh. Your years of practicing the art of bad jokes to retain the few friends you had was paying off in a way you didn't mind for once.**

**" well, from one pun-ster to another, i don't think you're half bad." Sans said as he went up the stairs at the end of the room. "wait here, i'll be right back."**

**You were not sure where the short skeleton was heading, but it was negligible. You were instead taking in the house, enjoying the difference in perspective. You could feel the movement of the carpet under your feet, the smell of the pine that made the home of the two brothers. You could even see some small rips in the green couch you were standing near. It made you happy that the dream was so detailed; it wasn't something that happened often.**

**" here, this will probably be warmer than your wet clothes." Sans handed you a large blanket for you to warp yourself up in.**

**“Thanks, Sans.” You gratefully took it, quickly wrapping it around yourself. Your clothes were still cold when they pressed against your body causing you to yelp at the touch. Once the blanket was surrounding you though, it was far better then just being indoors since the air couldn't further chill your wet clothes.**

**“ so, what brings you back?” Sans said as he draped himself on the couch.**

**“I’m… not sure? I just kinda ended up here.”**

**“ well, buddy, hate to be _nosy_ , but it would be nice if you could give me a _hand_ in understanding the reason lying under the _skin_ of all this. "**

**You chuckled at the small puns. It was nice to have a dream that made you laugh. It was a breather from whatever was going on in your real life. You didn’t think much about it, letting the dream take you where it wanted. If you thought about it too much you knew it would cause you to wake, and this was a dream that you would rather stay in for as long as you could.**

**“Well, there’s not much to tell. I’m dreaming and… that’s it?” You shrugged as you plopped on the couch. “So, what now? Should we watch TV or something.” You turned to look at Sans, finding his smile no longer on his face and instead he was giving you a quizzical and worried look.**

**“ you're… dreaming?”**

**“Yes.” That was all you told him, all you could say. If you started going into it any more than you would lose this happy dream. You were not ready for that. For a ‘Dream Sans’ he sure did ask a lot of questions. Maybe even when you were dreaming your subconscious didn’t want to just let you sin in peace.**

**“ that’s…” Sans ran a hand over the back of his head, eyes darting to the floor as he started mumbling to himself. It took only a few moments before he flinched, smiling again, and started to laugh loudly. “oh, i get it. your pranking me. hehe, guess even the prank master can be thoroughly japed occasionally. good one, buddy!”**

**You watched him, blinking a few times. The longer you were in this dream the weirder it got. Why would you dream about pranking Sans by telling him that you were dreaming? Hell, nothing in your dreams ever asked questions like this before. It was starting to become very unsettling.**

**“Hold on.”**

**You stood up, deciding that it was time to start taking control, seeing just what was really going on with this dream. You had wanted to do something like watch MTT with Sans or tell jokes, but it seemed the dream was going a way that was outside of your character. You stretched out your senses, literally feeling the dream itself. You could never explain how you did it, it was just something you had learned by the many years you had spent honing your lucid dreaming.**

**“ uh… what is it, pal?”**

**With invisible hands you pushed out, feeling how hard it would be to break out of the dream and wake yourself up if you needed to. It felt… hard. As if there was a thick bubble around you. You could push through it, or at least if felt like you could. It was like touching invisable squishy gel that if you pushed hard enough you could possibly break through. You decided to try the next test, walking silently into the kitchen.**

**“ what are you doing?” Sans said as he followed you, his voice laced with concern and worry.**

**You ignored him, rifling through the kitchen in search of a knife or something sharp. It would matter after this and it was merely just a test anyway. You had done this many times in previous dreams and at the very most you knew you would wake up with phantom pains. It didn’t take you long to find a small paring knife in one of the drawers. You pulled it out, readying it in your hand.**

**“ hehe. okay buddy, jokes over. you can put the knife down.” Sans said as you aimed the knife over your left hand.**

**“Huh?” You said, tilting your head as you looked at Sans. It was odd, the dream was continuing despite your will. You shrugged, supposing that it was bound to happen with how weird the dream was already.**

**“Don’t worry, I’m testing something.” You said to Sans, trying to reassure him and do what you could to keep him from stressing about it too much. It was never fun when dreams fought back, and with dreams like these they could be unpredictable. Once that was done you readied the knife and quickly plunged it into your hand.**

**You had expected to feel nothing. Normally in your dreams you would know you were hit or hurt, but you would never be able to actually _feel_ the pain. There was even that one dream that you had the sensation of full touch in, where you had climbed into some trash filled ditch that had skin burying scorpion creatures. However, even then, though you could feel your dream-mom slowly pulling out the scorpions like large splinters from your leg, you never actually felt any kind of pain.**

**This dream, or whatever it was, was different.**

**You howled and dropped the knife to the floor, blood pouring from your hand. It stung, you could feel your hand _shaking_ from your action. Hell, you could even feel the warmth of your own blood as it pooled in your palm.**

**You were officially freaked. You had never encountered a dream like this. Though, at this point you were not even sure it was a dream. Maybe it was some kind of nightmare where things were just real enough and your mind just hated you.**

**“ oh, fuck!” Sans said, suddenly rushing to you. “why the fuck did you do that?” You turned to him, eyes wide. You could feel your heart pounding rapidly in your chest and the words ‘This isn’t _supposed_ to hurt’ running through your mind.**

**“This… this is supposed to be a dream. Sans, I’m supposed to be dreaming.” You ignored your hand, gripping both of his shoulders, desperately holding onto him. He had to know, Sans was smart and witty. He was a scientist who knew about time and space and junk like that. He was the only one in your dream to so thus he had to know what was going on.**

**“Sans, what exactly is going on here? This is supposed to be a dream, so then _why_ do I feel pain?”**

**“ i don’t- this is not a dream, just- fuck, just why?! how did this ever seem like a smart idea?!”**

**“I’ve done it before, it doesn’t happen like this!”**

**It was the honest truth. Most of the time, doing this would actually allow you more control. Typically, you could heal instantly and everything would be fine. Right now, no matter what you tried, you couldn’t heal. You couldn't bring things to even rewind to back before you did this. Your shaking worsened, you let Sans go, collapsing to the floor as you silent tears rolled down your face. This wasn’t real, there was no way this could be real. It was impossible for any of it to be real.**

**“ uh, okay, just.. wait here and, _please_ don’t stab yourself again. ” Sans ran off to somewhere in the house, but you were no longer paying attention.**

**You did what you could to ignore the pain and tears, the burning sensation and dripping of blood in your hand. You extended your reach, did what you could to wake up. You had to wake up now, there was no question about this. You needed to be awake and get out of this place so that things could be okay again.**

**It didn’t work, no matter how hard you pressed, even though the barrier keeping you in felt light, you couldn’t break through. You were stuck in the dream until it decided to let you go.**

**Sans was suddenly in front of you, through you were not sure how since you didn’t hear him come into the room. In his hands he had some gauze, bandages, and a wet washcloth.**

**“ let me see your hand.” You held your hand out to him, thick dark blood still dripping from it. **

**He wiped away your blood, doing his best to apply pressure to the wound. Once the bleeding had stopped enough he placed down the gauze and started to wrap it.**

**“ keep applying pressure, it will help seal the wound better.” He said as he let you have your hand back, fully patched up.**

**“Thank.. you.” You mumbled out, holding your hand close to you. You could feel more hot tears start to fall from your face. This was surreal, unbelievable, you always had control; now you were powerless.**

**“ so,” Sans said, sitting down on the ground in front of you. “mind telling me exactly what’s going on? you just suddenly appear, twice, out of nowhere in two different timelines. i don’t know about you, but this isn’t something normal humans can do.”**

**“Honestly, all I know is that I’m dreaming, Sans. I’m…. I’m not supposed to feel pain, you’re not supposed to be asking questions like that. This is a dream and yet… its not or something is very wrong I… I don’t-“ The more you talked the quicker your breathing became. You wrapped your hand around your waist, shaking as you talked. You knew what was happening, but since when did you have a panic attack in a _dream_?**

**“ whoa, whoa. buddy, deep breaths okay? slow down we’ll figure this out together.” Sans said as he placed a hand on your shoulder, trying to comfort you.**

**“I just-” You said, curling up on yourself wanting to be swallowed up by the earth. “I just want to be happy, you know?” You started blurting out. Maybe it was the panic, the anxiety, or it could even just be where the dream wanted to take you now since you were not in control anymore. As far as you knew there was the posibility that you were in control of nothing here, not even your own body.**

**“I saw you and I thought this would be a sweet dream, you know? I wanted to be with you so badly I thought I would finally have my chance to just enjoy that here. But… this is all wrong, Sans. This is not a dream I can control. I can’t get myself to wake up, and… the pain is real, Sans…” You leaned into Sans, sobbing as you clung to him. Everything was wrong, you were scared, trapped, and hurting; all in front of Sans. It was as if life wasn’t hard enough, your dreams had to hate you too.**

**“I’m sorry, Sans…” You cried into his parka. As you did, you suddenly felt your body become lighter and the world around you brighten. “I just… wanted to be with you…“**

 

[+]-[+]-[+]

 

You woke up with tears in your eyes and a sharp stinging sensation in your hand. The moment you realized your hand hurt, more than it should for phantom pains, you threw off your covers and examined your palm. There, still stained with a little bit of blood, was the exact same bandages that Sans had wrapped your hand in.

 

You stared, shaking as you watched your hand. This was literally impossible. There was no way that you had stabbed yourself in a dream and it followed you into the waking world. This was reality, not some show or game, and in reality things like this don’t happen.

 

You started to pull off the bandage, quickly unfurling the tight wrap Sans had placed on your hand, ripping off the gauze revealing the small wound you had inflicted upon yourself. Blood started to form around the small gash from your movements. Your stomach twisted and you were sure you were going to be sick.

 

You tried to call yourself down. Tried to explain that things would be okay. But, no matter what you told yourself, you couldn't stop the shaking. Things in dreams weren't supposed to be real. It was _impossible_.

 

You ignored the slowly oozing blood on your hand as you stared at the bandages now laying on the floor. There had to be some kind of logical explanation, there always was. Somehow you had to have done something for this to have happened, or someone else must have. You knew that you didn't have anything sharp enough near your bed, so that ruled out accidentally hurting yourself while you slept. You already knew that you never had sleep walked before, but you figured checking the kitchen and possibly your room for a dropped knife wouldn't hurt. It was your last thought about someone having done it, someone breaking into your house that worried you the most; even if it didn't make sense for why they would have injured your hand.

 

You decided to assume the worst situation; that there was someone who might be in your home. You heart quickened in pace as you scanned it for signs that someone else was in there. If there was some kind of intruder, they could possibly still be there and you were not going to let then have the chance to do more damage; that is if they existed at all. However, everything looked unmoved and unchanged from what you could remember before you slept.

 

You stood up slowly, trying to be as quiet as possible as you moved towards your computer desk. Beside it was a small show katana. You didn't know how to use it, but it was better than having nothing if there was someone in your apartment. Besides, practicing sharpening knives on it would finally make the slightly sharp edge useful for at least something.

 

You first checked your closet, since it was the only closed door in your room. You took the blade out of its sheath and held your breath. You paused, your hand holding the small handle, doing your best to ready yourself for anything that might be behind the door. But, when you threw open the sliding closet door, all you found was the small amount of clothes you left hanging and a few boxes of stored above on a metal rack. Once the closet was clear you went through the rest of the apartment, slowly opening doors scared that you actually might find something waiting for you.

 

In the end, you were alone in your home with your cats as always. You thought it would make you feel better, but instead it did the opposite. You fought yourself, trying to keep your breathing under control as you put the fake katana away.

 

You started going through each room trying to find any trace of blood or possibly some kind of weapon. You needed to understand, to make sense of it all, to know why, and how to prevent it again. You searched everywhere, even tearing off all the sheets and blankets off your bed trying to find it; but you came up empty handed. Nothing had been moved in the kitchen either, there was no blood except that stains on your sheets and the bandages somewhere beneath the pile of pillows and blankets.

 

You had no reasonable explanation for your hand. Nothing that was rooted in science and logic. It left you with an option you actually hated almost anything that fell into it. It was some pit or hole in your life that too many things fell into. It was the weird, strange, and unexplained; only this time if affected you more than you ever thought it could.

 

You shoved it all out of your head. It was not worth the thought. It was odd, it was strange and illogical, and it was the end of its story.

 

You threw the blankets back onto the bed, planning to put them in the wash later. You snagged the old bandages and tossed them into the garbage, pulling out your first aid kit from under the sink and re-patching up your wound. You started brainstorming ideas to explain the injury, logical explanations so that you could avoid more questions and weird stares from people if they asked. You were glad you didn't have to go to work today even if you still had a meeting with your Grandma.

 

It was the Grandma on your Dad's side, a brash woman who had no mental filter or care for anyone outside of herself. You entire family was difficult to get along with, and she was definitely no exception. Somehow you were the only one who on average could withstand being around her for long periods of time. However, you still needed time to prepare yourself mentally for whatever she may come at you with; it was the way you survived the encounters.

 

This was not at all helping.

 

You finished cleaning up the wound, focusing on the stinging sensation of the bandage holding the cut closed. You still had a few hours till you need to leave to meet her and you were glad for the time cushion. You decided to watch a show or two a new anime you had started a few days ago. You would have gotten food, only you were meeting your Grandma for just that, so you decided to hold off.

 

Eventually the time came around for you to get ready. You grabbed a few pieces of clean clothes, doing your best to put them on without agitating your cut too much. You went into the bathroom, checking yourself out in the mirror to make sure you looked at least halfway decent.

 

You stood there for a few minutes. You knew you needed to leave, that if she got there before you it would just be more hell to pay then just having to spend lunch with her. You didn't care, a strange feeling washing over you the more you looked at yourself.

 

It was a feeling you could never place, but happened often. You didn't feel as if you were looking at yourself, or a mirror, or anything. That what you saw could just as easily be a dream as your dreams themselves work. Your perspective only something that you alone could experience, that even in a sea of people no one could ever come close enough to know they were not alone.

 

You knew what it was, a side effect of your lucid dreaming ability. Something that had been the cause of many late nights wondering about your own existence since the age of six. As you exited the bathroom you asked yourself how many other six year old's would have the same questions you did; followed by how many times you had now asked yourself that same question.

 

You got into your car and headed to the restaurant. The drive was oddly relaxing and let you move away from the source of your troubles. Your phone started to vibrate in your pocket just as you came up to the small Italian restaurant. It was your Grandma, you didn't need to check it to know that it was, but you still pulled it out once you parked and answered.

 

"Hey, Grandma."

 

"Where are you?" Her voice shrill over the phone. You winced at the volumes she was able to reach even through such a tiny speaker. She wasn't upset, even if to someone else she would have sounded as if she was. No, it was just the trait of your family; loud. "We just got here and I don't see you. Are you inside or are you still driving?"

 

"I just got here, Grandma." You did your best to sound cheery and relaxed. You turned off the car and pushed open the car door, closing and locking it behind you.

 

"But I don't see you! Where are you?"

 

"I'm coming up to the front now." You walked around your car, heading to the entrance of the restaurant, seeing her meandering around out front.

 

She had her back to you, her long curly brown hair bouncing around her shoulder in the summer heat. Her husband, Lucio, was standing in the shade smiling as he watched her. You were never sure how Lucio managed to put up with her. It wasn't just the family that had a hard time coping with her, but you knew he was her third husband as well. They had been together since you were very little, meeting is Mexico when your Grandma had gone to live there for a number of years. He was the complete opposite of her, dark skinned, soft spoken, calm, and often times much more understanding. Honestly, as rash as your Grandma could be, you were still happy for her to have finally found someone who loved her and was able to stick around for so long.

 

"Behind you, Grandma." You called out. Lucio was already waving at you, smiling brightly. Your Grandma suddenly whipped around and upon seeing you quickly made her way towards you, feet shuffling across the pavement.

 

"There you are!" She called, which to most people would have sounded like a yell. "I've been here for 15 minutes," Mentally you corrected her, telling her she had called you 15 minutes ago, while driving still. "waiting for you! You should feel bad letting your poor Grandmother bake out in this heat!" Mentally, you mentioned that it was her choice to stand outside and she could have done what Lucio did and stand somewhere cooler. "Not to mention you never call me enough! I’m your Grandmother! Don’t you love me?"

"Grandma, you /know/ that I do love you." You were sincere; she was the /better/ Grandma, at least when it came to just your relatives who lived in the city too. There was your Grandma who lived way off on the east coast, who was the sweetest and kindest out of your family. But distance was not kind and made it difficult to keep in contact. So you were left with just the two who lived close by.

 

"Well, you never call so how am I supposed to know!" She said as she hooked an arm around yours, leading you into the restaurant.

 

"Because I do? I have work and school on my plate! I hardly have time to sleep sometimes, cut me some slack."

 

"Maybe if you called, I would!" She said as gestured vigorously, causing her to look as if she was vibrating. You were not sure if it was out of anger or just her energetic personality. You decided it was a bit of both, maybe her trying to 'joke' which she was horrible at, but she was not truly mad and so you let the topic die.

 

"So, anyway, how was Mexico? You just came back right?"

 

She lead you up to the podium, letting the hosts take her name for a party of 3 as she started to regale you with the small tales of Mexico. Most of the parts were wonderful; telling you of the forests and the foods there. She talked of Lucio's family, of her nieces and nephews, of the ocean and the things they ate while there. It was during this time that she took notice of your hand, asking what you did and you explained it quickly that you had just accidentally cut yourself in the kitchen a few days ago, that it was no big deal.

 

Eventually, after a few more stories of Mexico, all three of you were seated at a booth somewhere near the far left side of the restaurant. There were still people around, but you had been placed more in a corner; this was good because knowing your family the next hour was going to be quite loud.

 

"So, how's your Dad doing?" Your Grandma asked as Lucio glanced through the menu.

 

"I honestly have no idea."

 

"Don't you talk to your dad?"

 

"Yes, but work and other things have been taking up most of my life. I do have a life of my own to live, ya know."

 

You Grandma didn't get to respond, which you were quiet glad for, as your waitress can bouncing up to the table. She was a small girl with a bubbly attitude; you just hoped that your Grandma would be on good behavior and wouldn't find some way to ruin the girl's day.

 

You all placed your drink orders and food requests; your Grandma explaining all of the things her 'health doctor' said she was allergic too and why. Really, the person she was referring too was more of a holistic doctor that you were skeptical even had any kind of medical degree, but because she paid them she believed them. Still, he long winded explanation gave you time to pick the food you wanted and order by the time she had told her the meal she would be sharing with Lucio.

 

The girl left the table, still managing to carry her bubbly air about her as she did. The conversation then went back to more mundane things. You made a point to ask more questions about her trip, even getting her to retell a few stories that she had made mention of before. Soon your food was at the table and you were able to start filling your empty belly.

 

"So, tell me about what is going on in my grandchild's life!" She said, slightly pounding the table as she started to cut a chicken breast in half.

 

"Well, work's been more demanding as of late. We're short staff and so I've been pulling a lot of overtime where I can. Been, uh, having a hard time sleeping as well. Besides that, not much is really happening in my life."

 

"Then what is this I hear about you being depressed, that you were having suicidal thoughts?"

 

Oh.

 

"It's not anything new." You started, hoping that would deflect and allow her to be sated.

 

Depression was something you had since you were a child. Back then you didn't understand it and no one else wanted to admit a kid of 6 could have it. This left you fighting the dark creature all your life on your own no matter the kind of help you asked for. It was in the most recent years to the addition of your work's insurance that you were finally able to seek out help and finally put a name to it. It also allowed you the chance to get your parents to believe you for the first time as well. You suspected that one of your parents had talked to your Grandma about it, otherwise how would she know?

 

"This is the first time hearing about it! You were never depressed before!" It was a lie, you knew it, but you let it slide. It was not a fight you wanted to have; not right then at least.

 

"Grandma, I've had it for years, it's /not/ something new." You sighed, used to hearing this kind of conversation.

 

It happened with all of your family every time you tried to talk to anyone about it or if they brought it up. It felt like every week they would forget and you would have to remind them like children. It was stressful to say the least. You had just eventually stopped trying to get them understand and instead worked on trying to help yourself. That was years ago, around when you were 14 since you had been asking for help since maybe the age of 6.

 

It was annoying that now, when you finally had a job that would let you see someone to get that help, that your family finally listened.

 

"Well, you know how I feel about that!" You Grandma boomed loudly, waving a fork at you. "If you're going to, then you better do it now and just get it all over with!"

 

You're entire body froze, your eyes staring at your plate. The world around you was still moving, your Grandma still talking, yet everything in time was still. Nothing progressed for you. Nothing else mattered then the questions rapid firing in your head.

 

You started to check yourself, knowing this wouldn't be something you could come out of unscathed. You mouth was dry and you had a death grip on your fork. Your body felt as if it was throbbing with a rapid heartbeat, though your heart was fine. You could feel your eyes burn and your stomach clench; but you kept yourself free of tears.

 

You were not okay, and already knew that if you let her stay on this topic things would get out of hand. You should have expected something like this to come from her; she wasn't any different than the rest of your family. It didn't change your ultimate question, something that you probably asked yourself more than what should be reasonably acceptable.

 

'How could someone ever /think/ saying something like that to anyone? Let alone /family/?'

 

"Anyway, that's just what I think!"

 

"Yeah..."

 

"What's even got you so 'depressed' in the first place! There's been nothing in your life that is /that/ bad, anyway."

 

"Well..."

 

"sure, your parents weren't the best, but if they just listened to me then you wouldn't be so miserable!"

 

You wanted to leave. You were no longer hungry and you figured that at least you could get what you had to go. Maybe, if fate was kind, you could eat it later. You searched your mind for an excuse of any kind. You then suddenly realized what you could do. You pulled out your phone, clicking a few buttons to pretend that you were actually doing something important on it.

 

“Crap, Grandma, I’m _really_ sorry, but I just realized I was supposed to have a doctors appointment soon. I have to leave but I’ll call you later, okay?”

 

“What?!” She screeched. “I thought you said you had the whole afternoon off?”

 

“Yes, I know, but I thought my doctors appointment was next week, not today. I’m super sorry! I really am! I have to go now or I’m not going to make it but I promise I’ll call you okay?”

 

You pulled yourself out of the booth, giving her a hug as she continued to berate you and scold you. Saying how horrible it was for you to have not made sure nothing would mess up her plans with her ‘favorite’ grand child. All you could do was try and think of quicker and faster ways you would be able to get out of her grasp.

 

Eventually you were able to leave, quickly heading to your car, pulling out and driving off towards the nearest most deserved parking lot you could find where no one would bother you, especially your Grandmother.

 

You ended up parking in the mall area across the street somewhere in the farthest end of the lot. You threw your car into park, locked the doors, and sat there gripping the steering wheel. Everything felt tight, your airways, your chest, your heart, your skin. You mind was firing off signals to you telling you that you needed to breathe as if there wasn’t enough air in the car. You did your best to keep yourself from hyperventilating, but you will was not as strong as the words of your family.

 

The internal structures you had build to keep yourself stable were crashing down. You could hear in your mind the snapping of your will created cables and the breaking of your emotional superglue. In a matter of seconds you were sobbing, the questions and mental flashbacks rampaging through your mind destroying everything in their wake.

 

You hated this, you hated being brought down to what felt like a pile of rubble, only to be expected to be fully formed and rebuilt in the time it too you to exit a door. You loved and hated your family; throughout your life they had done nothing but seemingly gone out of their way to harm you regardless of what you tried to give to them. All of them were the same, and you limited your interactions with them as an adult for these reason exactly. You hated that you actually accepted them as they were, because as much pain and destruction they wrought upon you they were still your family.

 

As much as it pained you, you would always accept this. The only thing you would never accept was their treatment of you.

 

You’re tears increased as you did everything to keep yourself from screaming in anger. You didn’t want to accept it as it was, there was nothing good about your family save for your younger brother. But, even your brother wasn’t a complete devoid of burden. He had been witness to many of the horrible things your family had done and said, instead playing it off like it never happened of literally forgetting all together. When you had asked him one day he told you it was because it didn’t affect him, so he didn’t remember. You couldn’t blame him though, he was safe from the torment of your family either; you just hated it because it made you feel alone in it all and when they deigned ever having said or done anything you had no one else to back you up.

 

With the rest of your family, every time you went to see them, whether it be your mom, your dad, your grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, it didn’t matter they all had _something_ to say that would be just as bad if not worse. Then they would turn around and tell you how much they ‘love’ you and cared about you.

 

You could feel your stomach churn and the food in your stomach start to scream at you for having eaten it at all. The world was spinning and all you wanted to do was disappear from this world and maybe find another where there could be at least _one_ person who would actually care.

 

If only there could be just one.

 

[+]-[+]-[+]

 

**The air around you changed and the smell of winter greens hit your nose. You didn’t feel yourself leave the car or hear anyone come in, but even the sounds around you were different. The hum of airconditioning fans were replaced with a low hum of a breeze blowing and the occasional bird chirping in the distance.**

**All around you could feel the fresh chill of snow.**

**You knew exactly where you were, but from what you remember you had never fallen asleep. How in the hell were you dreaming when the last thing you remembered was that you were in your car?**

**You were still crying as you stood in the snow, looking around trying to piece together in your mind what exactly was happening and why. Saying you were a mess was an understatement and then adding in the ‘dream but not really a dream’ world was just more than you could take. It was all more real than it had ever been before in your dreams. You couldn’t even try the typical pushing you would do if it was a dream since, as far as you could tell, you were _wide awake_.**

**“ hey, buddy. you okay?” The familiar voice came from behind you. You slowly turned around, tears flowing down your face in quickly freezing streams causing your skin to sting from the cold.**

**“Sans…” It was all you could muster to say. Every time you came here he was always the one you saw, always the one that you met. Maybe it was you heart calling out from its loneliness or maybe you were just having some kind of weird vivid hallucination.**

**But, did it matter? Even by some off chance thing that this _was_ real, that somehow Sans was actually standing in front of you, it didn’t change anything for yourself. In fact, you were probably butting into his life in the most strange and obnoxious of ways. If this was anything like the game, if even a small slice of it was at all real where you were, you already knew that you were nothing but just another problem entering that world. You were just a burden.**

**You knew that wasn’t really true, but you could stop yourself from thinking it; that it didn’t matter where you were you were just a burden. You family was what proved that. You fell to your knees and for the first time in years found yourself bawling in front of someone and to top it all off someone who you not only had feelings for but who didn’t know a single thing about you.**

**“ oh geez.” Sans said as he took a few steps towards you. “uh…”**

**“S-sorry… S-sans…” You really didn’t know what else to say. You felt horrible for just being there to where you couldn’t even look him in the eyes. “Y-you... should go…” You didn’t want him to see you like this. The past other times you had done nothing but make a fool of yourself and this time was no different. You hoped he would leave and if he did you vowed that you would do everything in your power to never return here and bother him again.**

**“ here.” His voice was low and gentle as he wrapped his coat around your shoulders. You face snapped up to his. He was giving you an easy smile, eyes half lidded and a hand held out for you to grab. “lets get you inside. out here is _snow_ place for you to be crying. ”**

**You blinked a few times, partially from the tears but more from the disbelief that he hadn’t left yet. You smiled, for only a second, at the snow pun before nodding and taking his hand. He helped you up to your feet, waited for you to brush off the snow about your legs, and lead you towards his house.**

**He opened the door letting you head in. The moment you did you could feel the heavy temperature change. It felt as if you were walking into a furnace, but you suspected that it was just that you were that cold.**

**“ feel free to take a seat on the couch, i’ll be right back.” You nodded again as Sans quickly bound up the stairs heading into Papyrus’s room. You pulled Sans’s blue parka closer around you as you made your way to the couch and sat down.**

**It wasn’t long till your head was in your hands again as you asked yourself just exactly what you were doing here. You didn’t want to leave, in fact there would be nothing more that you would love than to stay. Hell, you would never go back if there was some conceivable way for you not to. But that would have just made trouble in the world or place you were in now and it wouldn’t be fair to Sans. Sometimes you hated your heart; it was never smart about the things it wanted.**

**You didn’t have long to yourself as Sans soon came trotting down with a warm blanket in hand. You removed your hands from your face to see him holding a simple blue colored blanket without any designs but looked fluffy and extra warm.**

**“ trade ya.”**

**Sans said as he held out a hand silently asking for his coat. You nodded, pulled the blanket off of you, and placed it in Sans’s outstretched hand. He tucked the coat under his arm as he unfolded the blanket and quickly threw it behind you and wrapped it around you. He then put his coat back on, sighing in pleasure to have it back on his body.**

**“ wait here. i’ll be right back.”**

**He didn’t wait for your response as he headed into the kitchen; what for you had no idea.**

**You pulled the blanket around you until it was covering not only your shoulders but your head as well. Then you quickly tucked your feet inside so that all of you was wrapped into a small cocoon of blue blanket and sad.**

**Though you had slightly more control over your physical body you still had none over your mental.  Your mind kept racing and going over all the things that had happened the past few days to even years ago in your life. You hated when your mind did this but you couldn’t help it. It was something that happened when you were caught off guard like you were.**

**You did your best to keep silent as the tears started to pour again from hurt, anger, spite, and frustration. Almost your entire family on both sides were completely horrible and there was nothing you could do but try to get yourself to be a better person than them. You tried to keep in contact, to have a relationship with your family, but somehow you would always come to regret it.**

**Your mind told you that it made sense since you never really belonged. It was as if there was some aura around that that tipped off the whole world to your abnormal existence except for yourself. There had just always been something about you others either feared or hated; family, friends, coworkers, and even strangers all had affected you in some way.**

**Besides, just being here with Sans was pretty much all the proof anyone would ever need to show your weirdness. It was a battle you had lost years ago before you realized it had started.**

**There were little flickers in the back of your mind like an almost extinguished flame of thoughts trying to remind you that was not true. That none of it was and you deserved just as much care and love as anyone else and it was not your fault for the painful and mean choices of others. But, sadly, you were in no mindset to listen.**

**" knock, knock."**

**You flinched at the sudden noise. You could hear Sans still in the kitchen, small clinking of porcelain and metal traveling about in the otherwise quiet house muffled only by the fabric about your head. You wiped away the tears on your face and cleared your throat before peeking your head cautiously out. You were just in time to hear the shuffle of slippers and see Sans come out from the kitchen holding two mugs, one of which seemed to be balancing a small plate of cookies.**

**“Who’s there?”**

**“ edith.” You let out a single preemptive laugh. Though you were feeling horrible and in a huge spiral of self-deprivation, you still had a feeling that whatever joke Sans was going to tell it would brighten up your day.**

**“Edith who?”**

**“ edith these,” He said as he stopped in front of you and held out the mug and cookies. “they’ll make you feel better.”**

**You gave Sans a weak smile as you gratefully took the cookies in one hand and the mug in another. The plate had two chocolate chip cookies on them. They were small and close to maybe twice the size of a ‘bite size’ cookie, but you were unsure you would be able to eat them. You stomach was already revolting from the food you had consumed while at with your Grandma, you figured having anything now would just make it worse. You also knew it was your depression in full swing which would cause you to probably not eat for at least the next day or so.**

**You placed the plate of cookies on the arm rest and readjusted yourself so that you were better situated on the couch as you stared into the mug Sans had handed you. It was some kind of lose leaf tea. You could tell from the small flecks of tea still floating around in your mug. It smelled of lemons, chamomile, and green tea. You smiled and took a small sip from the cup, letting the warmth slowly slip down your throat and help ease your mind with its scents.**

**“ do you, uh, not like chocolate?”**

**“Huh?” You flinched from Sans’s interjection. Turning to see he had taken a seat with you on the other side of the couch. “O-oh. Um, I do like chocolate. Sorry, my stomach’s a bit, um, _upset_ …” It would have been too much to try and explain that when you got depressed you just didn’t eat. Not in the sense that it would be too much for Sans, but rather for yourself; your faults were not something you wanted to talk about right then.**

**“ naw, there’s nothing to be sorry about. still, you should eat them cause they should help, at least a little.”**

**Internally you whimpered because you knew he was right. Depression would always make you do the things that were the worst for you. Though you didn’t hate chocolate you didn’t go absolutely crazy for it either, but something sweet with how crappy you were feeling right now would be at least a little bit of a good picker-upper.**

**You reached over and grabbed one of the cookies off the plate and took a small bite. They were a bit dry and crispy, but when it came to chocolate chip cookies it was how you liked them anyway. Their sweet and dense flavor flooded your mouth and brought a small smile to your lips. Before you could finish swallowing there was a small voice, cheerful and overly bright, that echoed in your own mind.**

**‘You are a wonderful person and you have the loveliest smile!’**

**You froze mid chew at the foreign voice in your own mind. It then dawned on you that the cookie wasn’t just a plain chocolate chip cookie; if you really were in Sans’s world it was probably made out of some kind of magic or what not. You laughed a little, wondering how a hallucination could get so specific.**

**“What kind of cookie is this, Sans?”**

**“ oh, just a cheer-colate chip cookie. each one says a little something to help cheer you on or brighten your day. guessing you’ve never had one before?”**

**“Uh, yeah… my place doesn’t really have magic of any kind.” You weren’t sure if you should say more or not. The longer you were there the more it felt that this was an actual world or dimension of its own. But, if so, how did you even manage to get there? However, your emotional state was not kind and all you could really think about was how dark the hole in your chest felt.**

**“ what did it say?”**

**“What?”**

**“ the cookie. you don’t have to tell me, but i’d be telling a _fibula_ if i said i wasn’t curious. ”**

**“It said I was a nice person... Oh, and that I have a nice smile, I guess.”**

**“ hehe, well, i’ve never ate a cheer-colate chip cookie that told a lie. sides, though i don’t really know ya yet, _ulna_ do have a nice smile. ”**

**“T-thanks.” You were really not sure what else to say; or at least you were not sure what to say that would cause yourself further embarrassment. You were still trying to decide if this was a dream or somehow a strange reality. You were hoping it was just really a very strange dream; you didn’t know if you could handle your crush, who’s not even supposed to exist, knowing you so far as a complete oddball.**

**“ so, uh, how’s your hand?”**

**“Yeah… it stings but, it’s okay now.”**

**“ good to hear.” You could already feel the awkward silence trying to set in. You should probably just leave, right then and there, but you had no idea how to get back, or if there even was a way to get back.**

**“I… I should probably go.” You finally forced yourself to say as you clutched your mug in a death grip.**

**“ how come? you just got here, you don’t need to leave yet ya know.”**

**“No, I should. This isn’t okay Sans. I have no idea why I’m here and it’s unfair to make you take care of someone you don’t even know the name of yet.” You said as you stood up, shrugging the blanket off onto the couch as you picked up the plate of slightly munched on cookies. Before you had time to walk away Sans had already moved in front of you.**

**“ hey, come on, if i really wanted to i could have walked away earlier.”**

**“Sans,” You said doing your best to hold back any more of your emotions suddenly going out of control. It touched you that he wanted you to stay. It was the depression in your head though that told you he was just doing ‘what was right’ and not because he wanted to and you believed it. “I really appreciate the tea, but we both know I’m just, well, trouble.” It was the easiest way you could put it for yourself.**

**“ nope.” You blinked rapidly and glanced down at him.**

**“Nope?”**

**“ yep.” Was all he replied with as he placed his hands out and gently started to guide you back to sitting on the couch.**

**“Sans, I’m just being a _bother_.” You said as you reluctantly sat back down.**

**“ then, how about a trade?” You quirked an eyebrow as he said his question. You didn’t believe you had anything on you that could possibly be something Sans would want.**

**“Uh, a trade for what?**

**“ information. though, you’re not a bother in the first place, if it would help then we could trade. i have a few questions from the last time you were here and anything you can tell me will help. so, what do you say?”**

**You were not sure what information you would be able to give Sans. You were probably just as clueless as he was in all of it, but you didn’t see any harm in telling him at least what you could. Maybe he would be able to give you some answers as well.**

**“I can’t promise I will have any answers, Sans.”**

**“ that’s ‘sokay. don’t like promises anyways.”**

**Over the next several minutes he asked you about what you remembered before you came here and why you were so sure this was a ‘dream’. To the best that you could you explained to him that the last two times you were here had been after you had gone to sleep. This time was different though in you had been fully awake. Though he didn’t ask about it, you freely told him that you had no idea how you were able to even do it. You told him that you could lucid dream since you were four. It was a skill your father had taught you to do to chase away the night terrors you would have all the time. It was why you had done what you did to your hand. It was not the first time you had lost control of a dream and usually doing something that would cause the dream to focus allowing you to regain control.**

**You then spent another several minutes apologizing to Sans for all the trouble you probably had caused for him the past few times.**

**“ don’t be.”**

**“Why not? I just randomly popped in and, well, got a bit overly friendly! Then I just invited myself over to your home where I then proceeded to intentionally injure myself. And let’s not even get me started on this time around! Sans, the least I could do is apologize.”**

**“ are you in control of it?”**

**“Well, no…”**

**“ then there is nothing to be sorry for.” Sans said as he leaned over the back of the arm rest trying to lay down but too lazy to actually change his position. “’sides, its nice to have some friendly company.”**

**“Like wise.” You said with a half-hearted chuckle, though the reason for the laugh you couldn’t put to words. It was more of a swelling feeling in your chest, bitter sweet in taste and salty in memory. The overwhelming urge to either laugh a little or start crying.**

**“ one thing i’m still curious about though.” You hummed as you pulled the blanket around you again, as if trying to physically hold your mental stability together. Sans shifted his position back to sitting, placing both of his hands in his coat pockets as he leaned against the armrest. “why were you crying earlier?”**

**You were silent. You couldn’t answer him, as much as you wanted to tell someone. It wasn’t for a lack of being honest, in fact you would always put more of a conscious effort into being truthful. Instead, you were sure that the last thing he wanted to do was listen to your sob story of a life. Yours wasn’t the worst out there; and with what you knew of Sans from the game his wasn’t the brightest either. But, you would much rather listen to his stories and his problems then even come close to touching yours.**

**“ that bad, huh?”**

**“N-no! No. Well, maybe? It’s something I should have expected I guess.”**

**“ what was it? i’m a bit curious now.”**

**“And you weren’t before?” You gave a weak but playful smile as you spoke.**

**“ hehe,” Sans shrugged again. “got me there. so, i’m _more_ curious, how’s that? ”**

**“Better.” You were smiling now, the small banter and prodding at Sans’s word usage helping you feel more comfortable. “It’s not really important and it’s just some personal crap so, if you don’t want to hear it we can talk about something else.”**

**“ eh, i’ve got time to spare. lay it on me, if you want to that is.” Though you could think of a thousand and one reasons as to why you probably shouldn’t, his invitation was too tempting and the pain you were holding too great. **

**You moved your eyes to the floor trying to decide where to start or if you even could start. You were about to tell Sans, who was probably some kind of vivid dream-hallucination combo about your problems. Your heart was pounding in your chest at the very idea, though your mind was calm as it told you rationally that he wasn’t real and so it didn’t matter. You pulled the blankets around you a little tighter before taking a deep breath as you readied yourself.**

**“Most of my family has, um, never really been the best kind of people, ya know? They… well, it’s not as _bad_ as some other people might have it, but growing up they were abusive. Sadly, even as an adult they still haven’t learned how to be just… decent people.” You took another few deep breaths, trying to piece together how you were going to explain it to Sans without being overly detailed. In the end, you gave up and just started letting the words fall.**

**“My Grandma wanted to see me since she had just gotten back from her trip, right? And, I thought, ‘Ya know, this will be fun! I haven’t seen my Grandma in a year!’ but I should have known better because she’s _family_. In the middle of dinner, for a reason far beyond what I can guess, she tells me ‘if you’re suicidal you should just kill yourself and get it over with’. Because _that’s_ what you say to someone you _love,_ right? Because _that’s_ how _family_ treats each other, right? Because _somehow_ she thinks that’s _okay_! It’s not like its something _new_ either, I’ve been asking for help for _years_ and only _now_ that I’m an adult they finally listen?! It’s completely ridiculous and _obscene_ how they are! I don’t even know why I keep _trying_ when it’s obvious they will never actually want to change or treat me like I’m human. I must be stupid to even try have a relationship with any of them, and yet I keep trying and hoping that… that someday they will… ya know, care.”**

**At some point you lost where you even were, that Sans was listening to you, and that you were not alone. You fists were clenching the blanket tightly and tears started to fall down your face midway through your rant. You spiraled from the frustration and anger at the facts before you. That simple concepts such as ‘love’ and ‘care’ were complete out of the understanding from your family members. By the end of your speech your anger had calmed, but the tears still flowed down your face and your grip had not lessened.**

**You jerked when you felt a touch of someone else on you shoulder. You jolted your gaze back to Sans who you knew remembered was there and had been the original reason for why you had even started talk about this in the first place. He was leaning from where he had been sitting, a frown on his face and his eyebrows pinched together in worry.**

**“S-sorry, Sans.” You did your best to speak through your tears and the slowly burbling sobs that kept catching in your throat. “I d-didn’t mean to get a bit o-out of hand.”**

**“ no, you’re fine. it’s a… well, i understand. not with the family stuff, but I still get it.”**

**You nodded, unable to bring yourself to speak; though, even if you could you had no idea what you would say. All you could do was hold onto the warm fabric that covered you as you once again found yourself sobbing.**

**You were not sure how long you were like that, but it was long enough for your tears to run dry and your internal state to feel dulled and completely numb. You felt better then you did before, though you were not sure if it really was Sans listening to you or if it was just you getting the chance to cry. Sans had been silent the entire time, occasionally placing a hand on your shoulder to remind you that he was there.**

**You were mostly still bewildered you had even cried that much in front of someone else and that he hadn’t tried to stop you either. He just sat there, waiting for you to either speak or let out more of your emotions. You suspected that it could have been the awkwardness of having some stranger in your house sobbing, but then why would he have reassured you as he did? You guess it didn’t matter, whether he had been there because he wanted to or because of his own internal codes it didn’t change that he was there. You cleared your face as best as you could of any tears before giving Sans the best smile you could muster.**

**“Thanks for listening, Sans.”**

**“ anytime, buddy.”**

**“Hehe, well, hopefully after this I won’t be bothering you again.”**

**“ naw, you’re not a bother. i mean it though. if you, uh need someone to talk to and you’re in the neighborhood again don’t be afraid to find me.” You smile fell. He was trying to be nice, you were sure of it. You appreciated it and gladly wanted nothing more, but there was no rational reason you could think of to explain why he would even want to do such a thing.**

**“Sans, I don’t get it. You don’t really know me. So, why?“**

**“ because.” You waited for him to continue, be instead he was silent and said nothing.**

**“Because?”**

**“ just because. don’t need a reason more than that.”**

**“Yes you do!” You said scowling at Sans. “I’m a random stranger who’s just kind of popped in an out making a mess of things! That and I just verbally vomited everywhere about just one of my problems. Honestly, I can’t think of a reason why you would even let me be around you so often in the first place.”**

**“ well, how about this? i’m curious as to where you’re actually coming from. it’s not here and i’m very sure you’re not from the surface. so, how about a deal, you come over every time you’re here and in exchange for a few question’s i’ll, uh, make you some tea or something. how about that?”**

**‘Oh.’ You thought. You hadn’t remembered that he was interested in who you had even managed to get here, and to be honest you were as well. If you did come back, wouldn’t it be then in the benefit for you both to figure out how? Maybe you could even find a way to stop it from happening and let Sans get back to his life. Besides, it wouldn’t hurt to indulge yourself a little longer in letting yourself see Sans a few more times.**

**“Sure. I… I think I can do that. At least, whenever I end up here.” You were smiling again as you could feel your body become lighter. Maybe this really would be okay and even if there was something weird going on with you, at least you had someone to help.**

**“ sou-. oh. uh, buddy, i think our time’s up.” Sans said pointing to you. You blinked a few times looking about yourself, but you couldn’t see anything. “you should check your hands.”**

**You did as he said, lifting your hands out from under the blanket to find them _pulsing_ in a light pink haze. You could suddenly feel your heart rapidly beating in your chest as you watched your hands lowly go between being solid and completely transparent.**

**“ whoa! hey, pal, take some deep breaths. you probably didn’t see it but this happened the last couple of times too.” You did your best to follow as he said, slowly managing to get physical reactions back under control.**

**“ here.” He scooted over closer to you on the couch as pulled the blanket tighter around you. “hold onto the blanket, it should, uh, keep you warm wherever you’re headed. Just bring it back, okay?” He said with a warm smile and a wink.**

**Your heart leapt from the wink and a deep warmth encompassed your chest from his smile. Yes, you would be back now.**

**“I’ll try.” You said as you tightened your grip on the blanket as you continue to feel yourself fade. It was close to how you sometimes felt when you fell asleep. That in-between twilight like haze of awake and partially void. You held onto the reality with Sans just a little longer. For your desire to just stay there and never go back. For yourself to be near someone who didn’t seem to judge you in your weakest moments.**

**You were failing in keeping yourself there any longer and for the first time felt something akin to a grip on your soul lessen. You wanted to make sure that, if this was the last time you saw him that you at least would leave Sans with a smile.**

**“Sans, thank you.” You gave him the best smile you could muster past your numbed feelings, filled with all the gratitude you had for being willing to listen.**

**You could hear Sans’s voice as he responded to you, but you were unable to hear him. Your vision had went pink and slowly faded to black as the noises around you disappeared. For a moment you couldn’t feel or think and instead drifted somewhere outside of yourself.**

[+]-[+]-[+]

 

You were back in your car as if you had never left. Outside it was now completely dark and the entire lot around you was devoid of life. In a panic you threw off the small flaps of blanket that were covering your arms and searched for your phone. You clicked one of the buttons which caused the screen to light up showing you not only several notifications and two missed calls but that it was now just an hour away from midnight.

 

As you placed the phone down on the passenger seat, not currently wanting to deal with any of the alerts on your phone, you realized that you still had the blanket wrapped around you. You reached down grabbing the edges of the blanket pulling it out from behind you and holding it bunched up in your hands.

 

It had to be real, it was complete impossible and yet it still had to be real. It wasn’t just the cut or the bandages anymore. It wasn’t possible weird dreams or hallucinations. You were, somehow, traveling back and forth and meeting _Sans_. Though no one would believe you and truthfully you didn’t believe that you were even entertaining the idea now, but you were. You had been completely wake for all of it and unless you were having some very strange sleepwalking issues you had no other explanation anymore.

 

You buried your head into the blanket and groaned. There was both a happy heat traveling through you while your stomach housed a dark black pit. You didn’t know where to start with it all and that wasn’t even including your emotions.

 

At the very least you figured finding a few books on string theory and multiple dimensions would be a good start, eventually. First you just wanted to go home and get some, hopefully, dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to the precious ones in our lives with too much love to give and not enough time to spend it all.
> 
> Precious  
> ~ 4/25/2014 ~


	3. Breaking the Barrier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow... it's.... well, it's been a minute hasn't it?
> 
> Thanks to some kind of grace of the world, I got my inspiration back and in the matter of a few days I've been able to turn this little chapter out. ^_^''
> 
> Sorry for not posting anything in well over a year.. Just had a bit of a tough time writing, but it seems that finally my fire is back! Hopefully you all enjoy this chapter and the next one that I will be coming out with soon as well. After that I'll be started on Reformation again because I do really, really want to finish that story.
> 
> *bows* Please forgive for the super long hiatus and please enjoy!

‘Its been a long time, hasn’t it?’

It was a thought always running in the back of your mind lately. Something that felt like it was slowly smothering you. A hot compress against your face that you dealt with daily. The idea of it causing a nervous flutter in your stomach and questions of if it would happen again and what you would do.

You couldn’t tell if you were wanting it to happen or if you were scared. Back then, when it was all fresh and felt real, you wanted to just run to it. But, after many nights, then months, then a year passed, you figured that maybe in the end it really was a dream. There was a pang in your heart. A sharp twist as if to say, ‘how could you?’. You rolled over, letting out a loud sigh as you turned over in your bed.

The blanket was still in your car, wasn’t it.

You had thought about bringing it inside many times, maybe washing since it had been long overdue. Yet, every time you reached out to grab it you would freeze. The idea of taking it inside somehow scared you as if when you did there was no going back. Something forever would change and even though your life was in this strange set of constant chaos it was somehow the one thing you could not handle.

That is, if that was really the reason. You never took that step to find out. You kept the car, refusing to move it as if the act of doing so might remove your chance of getting back someday. Sure, you had moved to a new place, a new city, a new state, but none of that should be what caused you to be unable to go back. Right?

You had wanted to see Sans again when you were stronger, more stable and on your feet. But, maybe the idea of moving away where your family could no longer reach you wasn’t the solution. Maybe Arizona was the only place you were ever going to see Sans and in a desperate attempt to make things better, like always, you just made them worse.

You let out a groan and tossed again under the blankets. This wasn’t helping, in fact this was just making the day start off even worse than the night before ended. Thinking about all your possible faults was like torturing yourself and certainly lying in bed at 6 in the morning being unable to sleep last night then waking up at 10 didn’t help. It was probably better to just get up, make some tea, and find something to watch until you had to go and get your day truly started.

You threw off the blankets, sitting up in bed for a moment as you took in the silence. Your ears buzzed with the sound of electricity running through your small one-bedroom apartment. You knew that somewhere there was a pile of dishes quietly screaming to be done. You ran a hand through your hair, took a deep breath, and walked out of your bedroom.

The air was frigid, chilling the bare parts of your skin as you wondered for a moment if it was your air conditioning or if it was the cold from outside. You padded into the kitchen, the white noise changing from the sound of feet against carpet to the sound of skin on wood. You moved a few dishes making just enough room for your electric water heater before reaching to the left to grab it.

The kitchen was small, having a little island counter of maybe 1 and a half square feet of space, the other counter across it held the very old but still working microwave. To the left of the oven was the remaining counterspace that wasn’t taken up by the sink covered in various tools for cooking. Just looking at the cluttered but not too terribly dirty kitchen made you want to either give up and go back to bed or maybe dig deep and find the courage to run yourself ragged with cleaning. You decided to compromise, and by compromise you meant ignore it until tomorrow when maybe you would have more energy then.

You lifted the lid of the water heater, its top coming loose with a loud pop. You placed it in the sink and turned on the faucet and left it start to fill the large container with water. As you waited, watching the water rise slowly inside of the pitcher, you mind pulled back to your thoughts of before. You had somehow woken up to those feelings again. Those feelings of longing and missing a video game character.

Did you have a dream about it all that caused you to wake up feeling like this? If it was somehow real, if it even possibly happened again, would he even remember you? In the off chance that you didn’t just eat some bad seafood, would he be able to recognize you at all? It had been way over a year, you had changed a lot in just a years’ time. Wait, did time even pass the same where he was?

You groaned and scratched at your head absentmindedly. This was annoying. Every time you decided to think about what had happened that night you always found yourself getting mixed up in the logistics of it. You remembered when it first happened you had spent the next several months trying to figure out what exactly it was that you had experienced. It wasn’t like you could talk to someone, anything you said would have every single person pretty much write you off as being bat shit insane. Besides, you moved and ended up in a way losing all the friends you did have, so any of them that you could have trusted were too far away to really help anymore. 

All that you found on your own though was some things about lucid dreaming which you already knew, some stuff on the Multiple Universes theory that didn’t quite place, and string theory which was even further. Almost all of it was like trying to read Greek, but you pushed through it and still got no answers from any of the multiple scientific papers you read through. At least you could now win bar trivia on String Theory if the question ever came up.

You looked down to see if the pot had filled yet, your eyes going wide and body jerking to quickly turn off the water when it had long ago overfilled. You grumbled, lifting the pot up and pouring some of the liquid inside out so that it wasn’t overfilled. As you placed the item on its holder, flipping the small switch that started the heating process, you hoped that the overfilled water on the bottom wouldn’t hurt the electronics of the heater. You decided to just deal with the consequences if it did.

Somewhere in the house a noise was made. You could feel your ear muscles twitch at the sudden sound, quickly realizing it was your phone. You ran into your room, picking up your phone which you had left charging at the side of your bed. You found that a text had been sent by a friend you had just come to know a few months ago. You didn’t need to open your phone to read the whole message. You heart suddenly sank and your body felt as if the air around you went a degree colder.

You clicked off your phone, tossing it haphazardly to the side of your bed as you headed back into the living room of your apartment. You decided you no longer wanted the tea and were too tired to even turn off the pot as you flopped your body onto your couch. You were almost glad for the text, now you didn’t have to go anywhere till much later in the day for dinner. Though, who knowns, maybe that’ll be canceled too.

Why was it always that you had the worst of luck on this day? What was it about today that meant everything had to go wrong? Even last night when you decided to hang out with a bunch of your friends online and have drinks turned out to end with you sobbing on the bathroom floor? 

Why was it so hard for you to just have a nice birthday? Why couldn’t things just go right for once?

You could feel the welling of pain in your chest once again, sitting there like a large animal on your chest. First you were being suffocated by your thoughts of Sans and now this. You made a small, low growl as you picked yourself up off the couch.

No. You knew this and even if it was your most shitty of days you were not going to let fate take another day. Sure, your friends ignored you last night and didn’t wish you a happy birthday and your friend canceled breakfast, but that didn’t mean you had to give in. You were a fighter; this day would have to take you down to win. Small victories, even if they were few, were sometimes the best victories.

Besides, this just gave way to being able to be lazy-productive instead. You did promise your coworker you would take her to the bank today before dinner, maybe you’ll just do it a bit earlier today?

You took a shower, wanting to wash the pain and depression off your body, forcing yourself to feel revitalized and new; something to give you a small boost to just be able to get out of the house. Soon you were dressed and on your way. You had already called your work friend, letting her know that your morning cleared up and you could take her sooner. You even sheepishly asked if you two of you could maybe hang out and do something until it was time to go to the dinner. It was like pulling teeth, but after saying that you would be the one driving, come to her, and would even sit and watch shows with her for several hours did she agree to it. 

You put on one of your thicker coats and headed outside. The crisp air blew in your face causing you to shiver as you closed the door and locked it. You could smell the scent of dying leaves and the threat of snowfall as you made your way to your car. You quickly got into your much warmer car, buckling in and preparing yourself mentally for the long drive. It was at least an hour away, but for a day like this it was worth it to have just some kind of good thing happen. Any amount of effort to somehow salvage this day, was worth it.

Before you headed out you made sure to place on some music, blasting it through the speakers of your car and picked only songs you could sing to. It helped revitalize your day, bring it back to life and relight the flame of hope in your heart. Maybe it was a good thing your coworker canceled on you, maybe this was the real start of your birthday. This birthday was going to be a good one.

An hour later you pulled up into the apartment complex of your coworker. After parking in one of the uncovered parking spaces and locking your car you headed up to the third floor of the building that your friend had noted as being hers in a text. It wasn’t too long till you found the apartment labeled 328 and knocked on the compressed wooden door.

After a few seconds there was the sound of sliding metal ended with a click. There was fast turn of the handle as the door swung open. You made sure you had your best smile on as your work friend pulled open the door for you.

“You made it here sooner than I expected.” Raven said with a small smile. She was much taller than you, and that was without shoes even. She had medium length hair that you couldn’t tell if it was bed hair or just how her curls naturally fell. She always mentioned all the time how she wished she had straight hair, but that even straightening irons never worked.

“Well, I was excited to watch anime with you!” You replied as you wanted inside, Raven moving away from the door to let you in. “I mean, I don’t have Crunchyroll premium like you do, there are so many episodes I haven’t been able to see yet!”

It wasn’t long until you were both comfortably situated on Raven’s couch, blankets wrapped around your legs. For some reason she liked to keep her apartment even colder than yours. You liked the cold, sure, but there was only so much cold you could truly take before you were just a constant popsicle.

It was after several episodes that Raven had picked that you decided that you couldn’t hold it in anymore and really wanted to watch the newest episode of ‘Recovery of a MMO Junkie’ before anything else.

“Can I have the remote?” Raven paused for a moment, the credits of the episode you just finished watching playing like a music video in the back ground. Staring at you, eyeing you suspiciously, she slowly reached out with the remote in hand.

“Sure?..” 

“Thanks! Is it okay if I pick the next one?” You gently took the remote from her hand, pausing the video before clicking the back button to bring it to the menu once again.

“What one?”

“There’s this one I’ve been in absolutely loving, and I’m not sure why, but if you’re okay with it I would really like to see the new episode that just came out.”

Raven was silent, not saying anything as you brought it to the page for the MMO Junkie anime. You could feel the excitement swelling in your chest. All you wanted to do was make a quick dash for the most recent episode. However, you were fairly sure that Raven hadn’t seen it before; it would be unfair to make her watch and episode of an anime she didn’t know.

“We can start from the beginning and then watch all the way to the new episode so that you don’t miss anything! It’s really good and absolutely hilarious, and it’s a gods-be-damned CIRCLE, but I love this circle!” You let out a laugh at your own eccentric-ness hoping that it would cue Raven to know that she too can laugh if she so wished. However, she didn’t and merely stared at the screen trying to read the description of the anime.

“Can you go to read more?”

“Sure.” You moved the highlight over to pull up all the details of the show, staying quiet as you left Raven read the description.

“So… its about a video game?”

“Kinda?” You said as you adjusted yourself so that you were seated more comfortably. “The main character Morioka does play a MMO and it’s one of the main subjects, but it isn’t actually about the game itself. It’s about her life after-“

“So it’s just a romance then?” Raven interjected suddenly. You laughed nervously, you hated admitting that, in rare circumstances, there were romance animes that you liked.

“I.. I suppose it is, though I would if its any kind of romance its a rom-com, emphasis on the com. But, I think its more of a slice of life anime than anything.” Okay, you really hated admitting you liked romances. Maybe one day you’d learn to accept your love of rom-coms, but for now this was definitely a slice of life anime.

“I don’t really like the slice of life animes or the ones about video games. Ever since SAO it’s been as if everyone’s trying to make the new greatest video game based anime. I could never get into them.”

At her words you could feel your heart sink. It was fine though, you were still fine with waiting another week until the premium episode was available to you. You could feel yourself deflate a bit still, saddened that one of the few things you would have loved to do was completely unavailable.

“That’s fine, we can watch something else.” You clicked to go back to the menu when your hand was pulled rapidly to one side. Raven hadn’t grabbed your hand, but rather yanked the remote from your grasp.

“No. It’s fine, we can watch it.”

“Raven, I’m fine with not watching it if you don’t want to.”

“No, you said that you really wanted to watch this and so we’re watching it. I hate it, but we’ll watch it” Your face twisted at her aggressively spat words. There was a vibrant mix of emotions starting to bubble in your chest. You weren’t sure if you were angry, hurt, or scared.

“Raven.” You said forcefully as she clicked to get the first episode playing. “I am fine with watching something else. We don’t have to watch this.” Raven paused the video which had just started playing the beginning of the episode before leaning back against the couch with her arms crossed.

“No. You were just talking about how much you ‘love’ this anime! How great a show it is? So, if you want to force me to watch it I’ll watch it!”

“Raven, I don’t want to force you to do anything!” You almost yelled your last words as you could feel your hands tightening into fists as you spoke. “I just want to have fun with you, that’s all!”

“I don’t know what you want! First you want to watch the anime and now you don’t. Look just, pick the anime that you want to see and even if I despise it I’ll watch it.”

“Well, I don’t want to watch something that is so clearly making you upset at just the idea of it, so no I don’t want to if it’s going to make you so angry.”

“I’m not angry or upset.” Raven quickly spat at you.

For a moment you physically froze, your mind racing trying to understand how this was not her being ‘angry’ or ‘upset’. Currently, and for no reason that you could clearly define, you were sure she was being not only passive-aggressive, but she was most certainly upset by something you had said or done. Honestly, all you wanted to do at this point was move on. You didn’t come here to fight with your friend, you came here to have fun and try to make the best of what is normally the shittiest day of the year for you.

“Okay, just pick something else then, please. I don’t want to watch something you won’t like.”

“You pick something.” Raven said, throwing the remote to your side of the couch. It didn’t hit you, but bounced on the cushion and ended up falling off the couch. You looked down to the floor where the remote was and then back to Raven. Her lips were pinched together, and her brow furled. She had already pulled out her phone and was typing something furiously on it. With a loud sigh you decided to just give in to whatever she wanted, maybe somehow you yourself had finally forgotten what day you were born and maybe it was really her birthday.

You moved yourself to be far away on the couch, giving yourself as much distance from Raven as you could before turning your sights and the remote to the TV once again. You decided to go back, locating the anime she had put on before and played the next episode.

“I thought you wanted to watch the other anime.” Raven said not looking up from her phone.

“I changed my mind.” You said quietly as you put the remote down somewhere in the area where Raven could reach it if she wanted, before leaning back and putting all your effort into trying to watch the show.

Hopefully, dinner would be better.

It was around 2:00 pm that Raven finally spoke to you again. In a harsh and at least seeming to be angry tone when she asked what time you were going to bring her to the bank. Holding in your sigh, you did your best to smile and said that with there being an hour drive almost to the restaurant that it would be better if you both went now. Though you managed to smile and not sigh, it was hard to keep the distaste from your voice. Raven finally agreed and said nothing about it, but made sure to let out a loud sigh, groan, and complained a few times about not wanting to go outside in response.

It took her a little longer before she was ready, but once she was you were both out the door and in your car, Raven giving directions to the bank that was supposedly very close.

One thing you didn’t account for was that Raven was horrible at directions. After getting lost after about 10 minutes you ended up pulling out your phone and just asking her what the name of her bank was and used your GPS to find it. To your annoyance it ended up being literally down the street in the other direction. You took a deep breath in and quietly let it out, calming yourself so that things wouldn’t escalate again with Raven. There was a little bit left of the day, just a small amount of good left that could be had, and you were going to do everything to save it.

After turning around, you finally made it to the bank. You pulled up close to the door and stopped the car waiting for Raven to get out so that she could do whatever it was that she needed to do.

“What are you doing?” She asked. Internally you groaned, the tone of her voice already setting you off. You kept it in, using the last of your remaining strength to keep your voice even and pleasant.

“Dropping you off at the front so you can go inside?”

“I thought you were going with me.” At this point you regretted coming to see Raven or even inviting her to go to the dinner tonight. Over the few months you had known Raven you knew she didn’t like to talk about her issues. At this point you were sure that there was something else bugging Raven and causing her to be a bit off than what she is like normally. However, there was nothing you could do. She wouldn’t talk to you or anyone.

“Well, I can. One moment.” You looked around, finding a parking spot, and quickly maneuvered the car over to the spot and parked it. “Let’s go in.”

“You know you don’t have to.” It was a trap. You could tell instinctively that it was the trap of all traps and there was no way you were going to ruin your birthday by falling into it.

“No, it’s okay. I want to go!” You faked your enthusiasm, hoping Raven would buy it.

“Okay.” Was all she said as she left the car. For that brief second, you counted yourself lucky. You gave a weak smile as you as slid your keys into your pocket and pressing the button on the door to lock it then followed Raven inside. Maybe this was the turning point? Maybe Raven would treat you better from here, dinner would be good, and things would get better.

“So,” Raven said as you waited in line. “What did you think of Bungou Stray Dogs?”

You swallowed thickly. You decided to tell her you liked it, saying some off-hand things about the few aspects that you liked about the show. At some point, one of what you said got her off on a tangent about the show and its characters.

You were not going to tell her that you were not paying attention to most of it. You were not going to let her know that since last night you’d been falling in and out of depressive spirals, metaphorical fingers clinging to the last edge of a wet crumbling wall that had been slicked with your blood many times over. No, this was not something your coworker or friend wanted to hear; especially if she was dealing with her own stuff.

Eventually, she finished up her business at the bank, having apparently just needed to withdraw money for her rent next week. As she did you wondered why she asked you to drive an hour up to get her and bring her to a bank that was about 15 minutes walking from her home or even more so why you agreed to it. Yeah, her car was broken down currently, but her legs aren’t. You ran a hand through your hair, tossing the thoughts out of your head. You were sure she had her reasons, it was not your place to judge.

With money in hand you both headed back to your car, Raven moving to one side of the car and you to the driver’s side. You reached into your pocket and grabbed… nothing.

A cold sensation washed over you. Quickly you checked your other pocket, finding your phone and your wallet, but no keys. Again, you checked your other pocket, searching for holes or something of the like. You checked your pants both on the side and butt pockets, and still there was nothing.

“What’s going on.” Raven said from the other side of the car.

“Hold on.” You could swear you were shaking now, the only words in your head was a slow chanting of ‘Please. Please.’ As you reached your hand out to the car door. Maybe you had not locked it, maybe you would be lucky this one time and this was fate playing a prank on you. Maybe the world would give a silent ‘gattcha!’ as your door would swing open. Maybe you could then laugh about how you almost locked your keys in the car.

Your hand wrapped tightly around the metal of the handle. Quietly, you offered up one final prayer of ‘please’ to any soul that would listen and pulled.

There was a heavy thunk and the handle refused to pull out the whole way.

You stared at the handle for a moment, almost as if your disbelief and will would cause the door to suddenly open. In fact, you wished you had weird magical powers so that you could do that very thing. But, you did not and to top it off you already knew that your car insurance wouldn’t cover it. You had forgotten to add on whatever it was that would ‘allow’ your insurance to cover this.

Just as you were about to pull out your phone, you realized that maybe your door was the only one locked. There was a chance, and extremely slim one, but a chance that Raven’s side was still unlocked.

“Hey, Raven could to check and see if your door will open?”

“I already tried and its locked, but I’ll do it again.” Raven said dismissively.

“No, its okay-“ There was another loud thunk from Raven’s side. The door remained unmoved and still locked against the metal frame of it’s body.

“See, told you it was locked. Don’t tell me you locked your keys inside.” Raven said as she started to move over to your side of the car. You let out a sigh and turned around to lean against the car as you pulled out your phone.

“Yeah... I locked my keys in the car…” 

You felt defeated, down trotted, and on the verge of tears. Maybe if this day wasn’t always so consistently bad you wouldn’t be so upset. But really this is how it had to be? This is how the day had to end up was your friends ignoring you the night before, you getting sad-drunk and almost sleeping on the bathroom floor, your one of 2 actual friends canceling your birthday outing, your coworker yelling at you, and now this? What in the hell had you done to warrant this kind of bad luck? You were doing all that you could, you were smiling, trying to be nice, have fun, not ruin the day by feeling bad for yourself or letting your depression control you. You knew the signs, the feelings, and you kept getting back up.

You typed in the phone number for your insurance, hoping that maybe they could find you a locksmith for cheap because now you had to spend money on something you honestly didn’t have the money for. Raven came up on your left, mirroring you with leaning against the car and waiting in silence. As you spoke with the person on the other line, planning for someone to come and help you kept hearing louder and louder sighs coming from Raven. Eventually, after 20 minutes you were off the phone and knew that the locksmith coming would set you back $60 at the very least. You closed your phone and rested your head back.

You wanted the day to end already, to be said and done and you already home and in bed. You were done with this day. However, you still had Raven here, you still had a dinner to go to. Hopefully those things would be at least a little worth it in the end? Just perhaps?

“I’m sorry, Raven… I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

Raven didn’t respond and instead remained silent. You found this better than the alternative to how she had been earlier. You just hoped maybe you would both sit in silent tension and things wouldn’t get worse.

“Hey.” Raven said quietly. You sat up a bit better from your tired droop over your car and looked to Raven.

“Yeah?”

“I’m gonna walk home.”

It was like a damn punch to the stomach. Your body felt numb as you tried to process what she had said.

“I’ll see you later.” Raven lifted herself off the car, shifted her coat a little, and started to walk.

You stood there, your mouth hanging open slightly as you watched her walk off. She didn’t turn around or make any motion to come back. She simply just started walking down the street heading to her home that was a few blocks away.

That was it. It was the last thing that had been piled onto this horrible day and before you could even attempt to stop them.

Large tears started to flow down your face. You wanted to scream and curse and shout and yell and rage. You wanted to do this to Raven, your online friends, the locksmith who would be there soon, and the whole damn world. You wanted to have the words blasting on repeat in your head be broadcasted to everyone in hopes of some answer to the question ‘What have I don’t to you?!’. You could never understand it. It wasn’t some bullshit wish fulfillment. No one in their right mind would go trying to make themselves so hurt all the time. It wasn’t like you came to the world when you were born and said, ‘Please make me miserable!’ or some shit.

Yet, here you were. You had fallen to your knees as you sobbed into the sleeve of your jacket. Nothing you did to mentally corral yourself back to something cohesive worked, the sadness and pain now had their familiar hands on the wheel of your feelings. 

Your mind was filled with the idea and fact that maybe you just didn’t deserve to have a good birthday. Birthdays were meant for people to celebrate those that they were thankful to have in their lives. For them to be glad that you were born; that they got to somehow cross paths with you. To show that you made their life a little brighter. Maybe you were not supposed to have a birthday like everyone else was because you were a horrible person? Maybe there was something you did in a past life or your sleep that you didn’t remember and are atoning for? It could be this and it has just taken decades of horrible birthdays for you to finally realize that no one wants you.

Your arms curled tightly around you as you continued to weep. No one wanted you and somehow, you couldn’t blame them. Who would want someone who struggled to keep a smile on like you did? Who would want to be around someone who gets upset at the idea that their having a birthday? Maybe you did cause this. Maybe your pained feelings that had been chasing you all month had caused you to subvert have yet another horrid birthday. Or maybe you just liked being sad.

As the words in your mind bombarded you the world fell away. The locksmith car could have pulled up and someone try to speak with you and you wouldn’t have cared. Nothing in the world could have pulled you out from the dark hole you now wanted to be in.

Something in your core called out. The last remaining light that felt even any drop of happiness screamed in longing. A new wave of sobs hit you.

If you had one wish that could have been granted, all you wanted right now was to be with Sans. He wasn’t real, but at this point were any of your friends here either? Was it so bad to want that dream where you were again in his home, having cookies and tea. What you would give to have someone just smile at you and mean it. What you would give to see Sans smile.

You felt your body lean one way and the sensation of falling grew in the pit of your stomach. It was probably just your vertigo, spinning and churning the world causing it to cascade down around you. Your inside feelings felt like they were leaking out somehow. That the darkness that enveloped your heart had manifested itself. You knew that wasn’t real, but you already knew it so well that the feeling didn’t scare you; it felt more like home if it had to be compared.

Maybe you would stay here a while, maybe you would just stay there in the bank parking lot and slowly freeze as night fell. It would be fitting for you; no one wanted you around anyway.

‘Would Sans have wanted you?’ The darkness in you asked.

Or maybe it was not the darkness, but yourself; you couldn’t tell. You could feel a tightening in your chest with the word ‘no’ at the front of your mind. Somewhere, deep within you, there was a flicker of emotion. It was not stronger than the dark, but it was strong enough to fight at least this. You didn’t know where it came from, how it would have known this answer as truth. You decided that it was just painfully needed wishful thinking. Something in you burned with a wish that Sans would have wanted to be there with you.

A wind picked up, blowing a cold winter tentacle around your body, it’s form seeping into all of the spots you couldn’t cover causing you to shiver. You tightened around yourself as best as you could, the vertigo in you causing your limbs to not be as coordinated as you would have liked. You were pulling your coat tighter around you as the wind in your ears became a whistle and your hair started to whip around your face.

Curiosity or maybe shock broke the dark spell around you for a fraction of a second. You opened your eyes but instead of the parking lot your vision was filled with white. You looked around you a little and all you could see was white. You wondered if your vision was messed up, so you rubbed your eyes and stretched out your legs you get a better baring on where you were siting.

Panic quickly rose in your heart as you realized you were no longer sitting on anything as your legs stretched far past where the concrete would have been. You turned to look behind you only finding a celling of grey stone and stalactites greet you and not side of your car. You turned back to the white below you, miles and miles of snow stretching the length of your vision. As you grew closer you could see that there was just a single plateau area and then the snowy bottom of a huge canyon.

You opened your mouth and screamed. It had never been vertigo. This whole time, despite what reality was supposed to be, you had been falling this whole damned time.

All your thoughts left your mind as the ground grew closer to you. You had to find something, a tree or maybe a very large pile of snow to fall into and come out safe. Wait, no, bad idea with the tree. Still, there had to be some way for you to land without getting hurt. Something had to catch you, something had to stop you from being suddenly flattened. 

But nothing was visible, nothing and no one was around to be able to stop your descent. You were now just a few seconds from the ground. You closed your eyes and wrapped yourself into as tight of a ball as you could as you were just inches before-

Your whole body be yanked as you came to a sudden halt. You felt no impact or pain, but all around you could still feel the cold air. You could feel your body quivering and you could not tell if it was from the chill of the air or from the fright of the fall. You moved your hands and opened your eyes just in time to feel yourself fall again, your body dropping right into the white snow that had been below you with a heavy thwap sound.

You jolted up, brushing snow quickly off your face and body before spinning around to search for what could have stopped you. In the distance you could now see snow covered trees and an ever-stretching cave ceiling. In various places light poked though letting in cold air and light snow fall. You turned to look at the ground, but you could tell by the footprints and your steps that the ground was not too thickly covered in the soft white. You stopped moving and stared into the silent distance as it dawned on you where you were.

You were back. Who cares that you just fell probably thousands of feet and somehow came out unscathed, you were back. There was a welling of happiness in you. Sure, it was more than likely you had cried enough that you somehow fell asleep. You’d probably wake up next to your car, cold and with the locksmith laughing at you, words failing you and the situation un-salvageable. It could have been the adrenaline still coursing through you or your fast beating heart pounding in your ears so loud you couldn’t hear yourself think, but you didn’t care. You were back in Snowdin, where Sans lived, where all the monsters in the underground dwelled.

If you were honest with yourself, you felt like you had finally made it home.

You took a moment to look back at the spot you fell. The disturbed snow showing the print of your body was the manifestation of your potential death and symbol of your curiosity as to why you didn’t just up and die. You scrunched your face as you stared at it. This was a dream, so problem solved right? You’ve had plenty of dreams now where you’ve fallen and hit the ground and lived. It was very common sure, but it came with the territory of lucid dreaming; at least for you. This wasn’t truly that out of the ordinary.

Yet, the fact that you could see the imprint clearly confused you. Your dreams were in depth and vivid most of the time, but everything felt as though the hazy lenses had been removed. It all felt as if you were truly there, as if the barrier that had been holding you back had finally let you pass through.

You bit the inside of your cheek, turned, and started trying to ruffle more of the snow out of your hair. No, you hadn’t been here in more than a year, why would you waste what little time you knew you had on trying to figure this out. Maybe if you came back again shortly after you would, but this was more pressing.

As you removed your hands you found that the snow you had brushed off didn’t fall away in clumps or fall heavy like it should have. Instead most of it floated gently off you in a cloud of specs. It was like…

You looked down, looking at the snow that still clung to your body. You moved your hands cautiously as you brushed your body off some more. Like before, some of it fell off or melted to your hand while the rest came off as a puff of smoke almost from your body. A lead ball suddenly dropped in your gut. In a frenzy you quickly tore off your jacket letting it drop to the ground as if it had burnt you.

You were covered in Dust. It was all over your body, your clothes, and your hair. There was more of it under your feet and everywhere you stepped. You knew what it meant, you could feel the sting and churning of bile in your gut as you fought to keep from upchucking right into it. If you were really here, and this was Dust, what did that mean for Sans?

Frantically you looked around. You needed to find the direction of town, you needed to find Sans and help or do something. This was your dream, right? You’d be damned if you were going to let the one time you finally make it back turn out to be a nightmare rather than a loving dream. You had enough of all the shit back home. You were going to force a change here, you didn’t care what it would take.

After much staring off into the distance you finally noticed that the sky in the area to your right was lighter than the other. Hoping that you’d be right and hit town with just that as a hint, you ran.

You ran as far as you could, taking breaks when the adrenaline just wouldn’t push you any further. It wasn’t long till you came to a bridge, one that was an elongated rope one that you knew was just a bit before the town itself. You counted yourself lucky, crossing it as quickly as your anxiety about falling or the rope breaking would allow. As you moved off the bridge you broke back into a run, hoping you were not too late.

Eventually, you made it into Snowdin, the whole place strangely silent and still. The Christmas tree lights flickered merrily in town, but where there should have been monsters walking around, there were just empty trotted patches of white snow.

You stopped just at the threshold of the town, watching the lights and listening to the silence. Everything about this felt so very, very wrong. You hadn’t been physically in the town before, but you couldn’t shake the feeling of death and fear the seemed to have seeped into the walls of the town. You decided to be sure, peeking into what you knew to be the shop ran by a female rabbit monster. With a gentle pull you opened the door, the wood creaking from the movement. Your stomach twisted when you were met with nothing, but a dark and empty room. 

Chara had already made it here, if your memory had served you right. You wanted to feel good knowing that at least the monsters in town had fled to safety, but there was that lingering question of ‘if’ in the back of your mind.

But, this was your dream, at least if you were trying to still believe that you weren’t a powerless human somehow teleporting between worlds that should honestly not exist. So, if this was indeed your dream, you just had to change it, force everything to be better and it would. Chara wouldn’t be a problem, the monsters in Snowdin could be here and happy and smiling.

You just had to force that change.

You stepped back outside and waited for the door to close behind you. Once the squeaking sounds of the door came to a stop and the world fell silent again you decided to try. You took a deep breath and closed your eyes searching for that feeling of the barrier.

You felt your anxiety rise as you realized more and more that you couldn’t feel it. You put your hands out in front of you, using the physical to relay to the dream. Still, there was nothing. You had no control here, just like all the other times.

You felt like you should quote a Sherlock Holmes book or something, because between the scar on your hand, falling through the sky, and not feeling the barrier of a normal dream maybe it never really was a dream? You desperately wished it was, then you could fix this horrible wrong and bring life back into this town.

You could feel your heart start to beat faster as the reality sank in. You were just wasting time being here. You had to find Sans and just hoped that Chara hadn’t already reached the end.

You didn’t want to find more dust.

Again you started to run. You did your best to continue without stopping, even if your body wouldn’t let you. You didn’t pay much attention to your surroundings, your vision swimming in pure white before quickly changing to a stark shimmering blue. The air around you shifted and changed as you entered Waterfall. On the times you would take breaks to catch your breath you could see the blue gem studded walls covered in a light film of grey powder that made your stomach do flips. You couldn’t wait any time, you could tell there was only so much of it left.

You choked back your fear and continued, heading into Hotlands. The air changed quickly from humid to dry. You throat didn’t take long to hate you as you realized you had no water and had been running for who knows how long. You went to the elevator, both hoping it would work and that it would be broken. You pressed the button and with a sick pull in your gut, it opened. You stepped inside, your mind racing with worried and panicked thoughts.

You stepped inside, listening to the whirl of the gears as the elevator took you to the top floor. Your heavy breath mixed with the sound of the machine pulling your weight higher and higher up. Your mind wanted to worry, to taunt you in the moment of pause and rest. It wanted to tell you that you were too late and everyone including Sans was dead. But you refused to listen; you could always listen when you found out when it was true or not; when there was literally nothing else you could do.

The elevator came to a stop, its doors opening to a pathway made from more Hotland rock. You didn’t hesitate falling back into your run. You turned the corner and ran up the steps. At the top your eyes became flooded with burning lights from the inside of the MTT Resort. You could see inside the building through the two front doors that had been left open.

You barreled into the building heading straight for the back. Just a few steps into the resort you could already tell there was no point in stopping here. You ran around the silent fountain, its water long shut off and no longer spilling to the floor. You ran past the empty hotel desk and closed internal elevator of the lobby. The air was stale and cold and not coated with the smell of fast food as you would have imagined. You did your best to not breathe in the specs of dust you knew were floating about aimlessly as you headed through the doors leading to the CORE.

The world around you became a blur of steel colored in flashing blue, purple, and red. The lights gnawed at you like an alarm, the rapid lights you passed flickering in the consistent beating of your heart. You were not sure for how long you ran, but you found yourself quickly in a room of pitch black with robotic parts littering the floor.

You didn’t stop, you couldn’t. Your whole body was burning and screaming for you to stop, but you refused. If you couldn’t get there Sans would be dead like everyone else was; hell, you might end up finding the same fate. You reached the next elevator, jabbing the buttons forcefully with your fingers whispering words to the machine as if it would make it move quicker than what it was set for.

The doors closed, and you were forced to pause again. You didn’t want to. Your head was filled with nothing but horrid thoughts. Action is what was needed right now. Thinking on anything else would make you irreparably still from the ideas of what you would find. You couldn’t tell exactly what was driving you, forcing you to run towards danger.

However, you were certain that it didn’t matter.

As soon as the doors started to open even a small amount you thrust your fingers between the metal gates and pried them open. As you took a step to run your body faltered causing you to crash onto the grey colored floor of New Home. You scrambled trying to stand, your feet sliding a few more times before you were back on your feet and sprinting down a central pathway through the city.

The path turned and brought you to a court yard of a castle. In the yard was a door leading to the castle. Inside the castle was a destined flight of stairs which lead you to a hallway which ended on a one remaining set of elevator doors. It was the same as before, the vicious prodding of the buttons, the harsh sound of you sucking in air as fast as your body would let you, mumbled single worded curses as the doors closed.

After a few precious seconds passed having lasted years longer than they should have the doors finally started to open. You rushed the door like the last, prying the door wide and rushing into a bath of golden yellow light.

For the first time since you started running you fully stopped. Your eyes went wide and at first you were not sure what you were seeing. There was a blackness to the colorful hall before you. You were not far from it, just about ten feet where the hall seemed to stop. The walls, the painted glass, and pillars, all of it stopped at this threshold of blackness or emptiness.

Your eyes followed the edges of it to the ceiling finding that the black did stop at the roof, but somehow sucked all of the life and light and color from everything it touched. Slowly your vision moved down finding the center that pressed endlessly forward held two figures inside.

Sans stood the furthest from you, his entire body a stark black and white. His were eyes closed and shoulders slacked, his body gently rocking with his slow breathing. In front of him was Chara, their back to you and body also siphoned of all colors. The small child shook occasionally as if straining against something. Held above their head, poised to strike was a knife covered in various deep scratches and small chips along the blade. The blade in their hand was glowing with an odd bright red light, the only source of color visible in the darkness.

The fear you had been running from suddenly constricted around you as you watched Chara slowly, straining against some invisible force, lift a single foot and take a step towards Sans.

“SANS!” You yelled without thinking as you ran towards the threshold of the fight. Sans didn’t move and remained still despite your call. Chara however, turned their head to one side, just enough for you to see them, and smiled.

You froze, a chill crawling its way over your body. There was a special kind of malice in their smile; some deep darkness that you do not think you could ever place into words. A need impossible to sate; a need you knew they would turn to you as soon as they were done with Sans.

They turned back to Sans, their body shaking violently as they took their next step towards Sans and the grip on you faded. You stood there breathing heavily, your eyes wide as you stared at Chara’s back. You could feel your hands shaking as they sat limp at your sides. Your eyes moved and became fixated on the blade the child was wielding, tracing slowly along the red hue edge before moving to its intended target.

There was something always seeded deep in your core that you always wondered if you just said it to make you feel better or if it would be something you would act on. You were always the worst at defending yourself, regardless of what the attack was. From verbal teasing to being attacked, you never rose your fist. You never believed that you were worth defending. Your friends were a different matter. The people that you loved and cared so much for, you believed it always to be an easy choice that you would be willing to do anything if they were in trouble. Now, you knew that hypothetical choice you always made to be true.

You pulled yourself from your stasis and started frantically searching for something around you to use. What you would do you had no idea, but there had to be something you could use to stop this. A grim feeling wrapped its arms around you as you found the hall deserted and empty of anything.

Without a second thought you ran into the blackness. You put your hands up out of instinct as you came close to it. At the barrier of it your hands struck something solid yet fluid, like a thick slime or jelly, before quickly sinking into the darkness. You couldn’t stop yourself as you became swallowed by the blackness, your skin turning a blinding white the same as Sans and Chara.

Once your body became submerged in the dark you felt everything come to a forced halt. Your arms and legs were frozen in place only a few steps from the threshold behind you. You could still turn your head, look around and even breathe in the black, but everything else was completely stilled as if you were in a picture.

You clenched your teeth and curled your hands into tight fists as you followed the same as the killer child. You fought against the unseen force stopping you from joining. Soon your whole body was shaking in strain as you fought against it. It was as if ever muscle on your body had to move its 50 lbs of weight on its own. You pushed, twisting your neck into varied positions as you fought against it. You could feel tears start to fall down your cheeks from the pain as your body protested.

Your body remained unmoved, the force refusing to let you do anything. You stopped pushing to catch your breath. You hung your head, your eyes closed as you could only listen to the sound of Sans snoring.

Wait. You lifted your head to look at Sans. Maybe the darkness had stopped him from hearing you before. Maybe now he would be able to hear you. Maybe now you would be able to help him wake up. You sucked in a breath from your burning lungs and screamed.

However, there was nothing. No sounds came out from your lips. You could feel a shiver of panic ripple through you before you screamed again and again, but there was nothing. Chara turned towards you, same putrid smile on their face as they mouthed something slow and deliberate. You watched, trying to make out the words that they kept mouthing. After a few seconds you realized they were saying the same three words over and over again.

Not your turn.

‘No!’ You tried to yell back, but again there was nothing that was audible. They stopped mouthing their words, seeming to chuckle and mouth one last thing, the only word you could catch being ‘death’ before they turned back to Sans once again.

No. No, you refused to accept this. You were still breathing right? That meant that you could do something about this and you weren’t going to let Chara do whatever they wanted and sit there like a spectator doing nothing.

With a silent yaup you set back to fighting to save Sans. There was a hot burning in your chest that you ignored as you started chanting in your head ‘I wont let you’. You refused to accept whatever fate Chara had decided to enact out. Whatever doomed end they wanted to bring to the world they would have to also go through you if they wanted it. You closed your eyes, focusing on that feeling alone and not the excruciating pain all over your body, and then in small slivers of progress, one of your feet moved.

You opened your eyes and were met with some kind of light pink color that outlined the edges of your vision. You kept pushing, ignoring whatever it was as it would only serve to distract and take away from what you had to do. The forced became easier and easier to push away and soon you took your second step, and then a third. You were catching up.

Chara turned back to look at you once again, their smile quickly dropping and turning into a scowl. You could see the red light that was around the blade of their knife start to envelop their body starting as a trickle down from their arm, then their torso, and then their legs.

You didn’t know what they were doing, but you were not going to let them do it. You continued, pushing with all the might you could find within you and even than some. You could see Chara’s movements start to speed up slightly, matching your slow speed. You were so close, and so was Chara, you watched as their hand rose up higher above their head, poised to attack. You screaming out again as you desperately willed your hand to out to grasp at the closest part of the knife.

You stared unblinking at the blade of the knife as your fingers came closer and closer to it. Just a little more and you could grab it. It wouldn’t matter if it cut you if you could stop it. Your hand was almost there, almost far enough to wrap around the blade and pull it from Chara’s hands.

Then with a sudden release and a speed so quick that you yelped in surprise, the blade was launched forward trying to strike Sans. Sans opened his eyes, his body somehow flashing in and out of existence in a momentary blink, easily dodging Chara’s strike.

You knew the next part and watched it against your will as it played out. The sound of metal striking bone was all that you heard before tears started to sting in your eyes. You reached out to Sans and called out to him, but still he could not hear you. You watched as he crumpled to the ground, eyes closed for bit before he sadly looked down at the new slash across his body. You wanted to go to him, but still the force contained you. The fire that had been in you now dead at the knowledge that Sans’ fate was unavoidable.

There was nothing you could do, nothing you could have done. You were not the protagonist of this story. You never were. No, you were the bystander that was for some fucked up reason thrown into this world just to watch the death of a person you wanted to see most. The one person that you somehow loved and all you had wanted to do was see him. Now you had, and you did not know if you would ever get the image of Sans cut across the chest and bleeding to death ever out of your mind. 

This was as your fate would always be, the odd one out even when you were the only one who could have done something. You hung your head as you sobbed. Why did you even try? What was your effort even worth in this instance if all that it was going to be was failure every single time? It was like that back in your world and it seems that truth had followed you here too. You fate was inescapable.

Suddenly, from the darkness, you heard your name. You looked up, Sans sitting on the ground staring at you. His eye sockets were wide and the pinpricks of light within them small as he continued to stare.

“you’re… really here?” Somehow you heard his voice clearly. Where yours fell silent his reverberated in the dark room between his wheezing breaths. 

Ignoring the lurching sobs still wracking your body you did your best to smile and nodded. ‘Sorry, I was too late.’ You said, though your voice still escaped you. You heard Sans laugh.

“s’okay buddy. ” He said before he took a rattled breath. “its still… so good to see ya. ”

Sans pulled himself up on his boney feet, staggering only for a moment. Once he was stable he started walking towards you, his slippers scuffing along the floor as he hobbled to you.

You couldn’t look. The pure need to have wanted to stop this and yet been able to do nothing was slowly killing you inside. It felt like poison eating away from the inside of every vein in your body. By the time he made it you were weeping again. You felt his thin boney arms reach around you, encircling you around your waist. You wanted to hug him back, again pushing at the force until you were able to have your arms around him as well.

“i don’t got a lot of time left. ” He said as you clung to him. You started trying to speak, saying the word ‘No’ over and over again, but he couldn’t hear you. “but… it’s good to see you again. ”

You willed your arms tighter around him as he spoke, your sobs becoming more and more violent. You could hear his bones rattling, but you were not sure if it was from him shaking from the pain of his mortal wound or if it was you from your crying.

“i had hoped you would have never saw this. ” You could feel Sans lean harder into you, his arms starting to be the only thing holding him up as his legs fell weak. “but, they always reset. so… i’ll come back and maybe then we can have some tea again like last time? ”

‘I won’t let them!’ You screamed, ‘No! No! I won’t! You can’t! Sans! Sans, don’t die! Please! Please, Sans, don’t!’

You felt Sans’s arms wrap tighter around you as he chuckled a small, low laugh. “wish i could hear ya. but, it’ll be okay. i’ll be back, i always come back.”

‘No!’ You cried out as you held onto Sans with all your might. You could feel the same burning in you as before rising in your chest, speeding to your libs and wrapping around you like a warm blanket.

You didn’t want this. You didn’t want to be let Sans stay in a world where he was destined to repeat his death over and over. To have him continue being in a world where he watched everyone he loved die. Where the trap of fate and death was so inescapable.

You didn’t want to go home either to your own fate. To always be the one left behind, to always keep every person you meet at arm’s length as any closer and they will take every change to gut you that they can. Both of you lived in worlds that you hated, worlds that wanted to repeat the suffering daily. Worlds where actual good times were few and only what you could squeeze out of random happenstance.

You wished with everything in you that somehow you and Sans would find some end in it all. That maybe tomorrow you would both wake up somewhere new, far from the hands of destiny that gripped your fibers. You refused to accept this fate, even if all the evidence proved otherwise.

You could feel Sans start to pull away from you. You opened your eyes to see Sans beaming up at you with tears rolling down his face. Behind his shoulder, arm raised and a red glint in their eyes stood Chara, about to bring down yet another blow into Sans’s back.

You screamed. Your vision turned pink again as you pulled Sans back against you and tried to pull him away from Chara.

But you were not met with the same force as before as you moved backwards. Instead you felt yourself fall, the weight of Sans’s body pressed against you as the darkness changed into something far deeper. In a room that was now growing further and further away Chara swung their knife and a sharp sound of metal and stone rung in your ears just seconds before the image of them was swallowed by the darkness now around you.

Everything was as if there was black felt pressed against your face as body and yet you could see endlessly. You could no longer tell if you were really falling or if maybe you were floating in a pool of water. You didn’t need to breathe or think, there was no reason too. You mind slowly ebbed from the need of fear and panic and sadness and want and pain to pure emptiness. After a while you briefly wondered how long you had been there. It felt like you had always been here. Where else would you have been?

You looked up, or the direction you assumed was up. You couldn’t see anything and yet, unexplainably, you could see infinitely into the darkness and remained unafraid of it. You looked down and realized that you were holding someone. His eyes closed as he rested against you.

Despite the pitch black, you could still starkly see the white porous bone that made his skin. As you wondered who this person was you lifted him closer to you and noticed his clothes. He wore a blue jacket that seemed to be ripped maybe? There was some red stuff on the jacket he… wait, was ‘he’ a he? You didn’t know. So, would they be more appropriate? ‘Yes, that sounds better’ You agreed with yourself. They had a ripped jacket with some red stuff on it that had also gotten onto you. You were not sure what the red stuff was, but you didn’t mind it. They looked peaceful and didn’t need you to be holding them like this. Maybe it was better you let them go?

You thought of the release of your hands on this person, this complete and utter stranger. It was… it was the right thing to do, right? It was an instinct in you that was calling for you to let go. It wasn’t out of any reason, it was just what was done. You don’t hold onto things from… from...

You were not sure. As far as you remembered you had always been here, what other place was there but here? Well, regardless, holding onto another here wasn’t customary. 

At the thought of releasing the person however, you could feel what you identified as your hands shaking.

No… there was something wrong here. This place was fine, but something about this person being here with you, the fact that you did not come to this place alone, was wrong. So, then it made sense that you keep him with you instead.

You… you brought the two of you here right? Then it was your responsibility to make sure they were safe.

You pulled the person closer to you, holding on tightly to them as you continued to float and drift in the world that you were in. For a reason you identified as strange, you felt warm in the middle of your chest as you held this person close to you. When they woke up you would let them know you will protect them, you will tell them that there is nothing to fear, and lastly you will tell them your name so they know who you are.

‘Wait.’ You stopped and tilted your head upwards, staring into the vastness of nothingness and void as you thought.

That was strange. Somehow, for whatever reason, you could not remember your name.

**Author's Note:**

> If you would like to follow me on tumblr for update and other things please visit me here!
> 
> rileywrit.tumblr.com


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